who wants my job?
leh long leh long.
its very ok wan..
You only need to do the work of 8 people, let your superiors claim credit for it, cover the shit that is coming from on top and maintain your sanity. While receiving half the pay of a road sweeper.
On top of that, you have to play the forever losing game of office politics.
(authors note: I tried to write the scenario of what happened. But it turned out to be so complicated, if I finished writing it, I think I can become Minfong Ho.)
I'm so pissed I almost fainted from anger just now...
My head was literally swimming..
Guess wad? I got scolded for NOTHING. NOTHING at all!
I got scolded by a person under me, for nothing! Just because he was angry.
Like wtf?
No. I do not have the power of a sergeant or a godlike officer to fucking kick his ass or give him extra. So what to do?
suck thumb lah!
Cos even if I explain the situation to him, he wouldn't understand it. And even if he did, he wouldn't believe it.
ARRRGHH!! I don't even want to think about it. It makes me pissed just thinking about it.
Polar bear Polar bear Polar bear
Cute baby seals Cute baby seals Cute baby seals
Little hamsters Little hamsters Little hamsters.
FUCK!!!
I can't even concentrate on doing my work just thinking about it.
Am I supposed to go up to him and lovingly tell him. "Look there is a misunderstanding?"
Nah beh. He's most likely going to curse my mum and dad and every single one of my ancestors if possible before I could finish the sentence!
and don't start with the, "how do you know if you havn't even tried" thing.
would you go into the den of starving lions and say, "Hi! I would like to explain to you why you shouldn't eat me."
I'm sure an angel would come down and clamp the lion's mouth shut.
screwed up world.
I feel like giving up everything you know.
If not for the fact that I KNOW that nobody else will take the shit that I'm taking, I wouldn't even bother doing this shitty fucked up thing.
This is by far the most stressed up month of my entire year. And it HAD to be December.
My parents expect me to do a hell lot of things.
The church wants me to do a hell lot of things.
My WORK demands me to do a hell lot of things.
everybody expects so much of me... why on earth do I even bother?
............ so many people are telling me to quit.
Just throw everything away.
Don't even bother about the slightest thing anymore...
I really.. really want to do that.
But I can't!!!!!
I CAN'T!!!!
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I'M UNAPPRECIATED, MISUNDERSTOOD, BLAMED AND DEVALUED, I WILL NOT LET ANOTHER PERSON SUFFER FOR THE RESPONSIBILITIES THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO CARRY!
BECAUSE I AM NOT A COWARD!
... If I cannot be the eagle, I will still be the wind beneath it's wings..
I'll never be appreciated. But within my short life span, I can lift up the eagle high up...
you won't understand.
nobody will.
cause if they did, they won't tell me to quit.
its a battle that I have always been fighting... alone.
I just wonder... does God even know? Is this a counterbalance for the sins I've committed?
Now I really know why some people who take my position want to commit suicide.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Nonchalant Thoughts.
I guess nobody really understands me.
No one.
It's wrong to work hard.
It's wrong NOT to work hard.
... really pissed.
I mean, some people actually want my dad to talk to LKY to complaint about army.
wow. I didn't know that my dad was so powerful!
zzz...
"... i didn't know I had such a useless boyfriend."
ok.
yeah. I'm useless.
... yeah... I know... I've been useless all along for so many years.
I'm useless because I do whatever I've been told...
I'm useless because I do not stand up for myself...
I'm useless because I just strive to give the best in everything I do...
I know I'm being exploited..
But given a choice between having an easy, boring life, compared to a life that is blazingly hardworking.. I think i'd choose the latter...
Yes, it's true that I'm stressed.
and it's true that I do have a choice not to do my work.
But what would happen otherwise?
Would another person be assigned to do it? - No.
Would another person be forced against his will to do it? - Yes.
Would people get angry for that? - Yes.
Would people suffer for that? - Yes.
Would people's trust get severed? - Yes.
... I just don't think that all this is worth me pushing away my responsibilities or tasks...
I know that SAF is a screwed up, F***** up organization.
But since I'm not given a choice not to serve, I'd might as well give it the best I have!
If everybody had the mentality that SAF is screwed up and thus be screwed up, of course things will never change...
If I could rank my personality I think that I'm a
1) Stubborn
2) Selfless
3) Christian
I'm stubborn. Stubborn to the point of stupidity. If I truly believe in something, I will be blind to everything else. I will accept no other opinions, and no other answers, unless every single evidence around me crumbles to dust.
I'm selfless. In the retarded way. I would rather suffer then cause many friends and people I love around me to suffer in the slightest way. I would rather die then let the whole world suffer a day because of me.
I believe that "Christian" is a personality. Because of its value that has been drilled into me.
"Do unto others what you would want others to do unto you."
"Love your enemy."
"Love the Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your mind and all your strength."
sigh...
Does anybody truly understand my conflict?
I don't think so.
...I really don't think so...
No one.
It's wrong to work hard.
It's wrong NOT to work hard.
... really pissed.
I mean, some people actually want my dad to talk to LKY to complaint about army.
wow. I didn't know that my dad was so powerful!
zzz...
"... i didn't know I had such a useless boyfriend."
ok.
yeah. I'm useless.
... yeah... I know... I've been useless all along for so many years.
I'm useless because I do whatever I've been told...
I'm useless because I do not stand up for myself...
I'm useless because I just strive to give the best in everything I do...
I know I'm being exploited..
But given a choice between having an easy, boring life, compared to a life that is blazingly hardworking.. I think i'd choose the latter...
Yes, it's true that I'm stressed.
and it's true that I do have a choice not to do my work.
But what would happen otherwise?
Would another person be assigned to do it? - No.
Would another person be forced against his will to do it? - Yes.
Would people get angry for that? - Yes.
Would people suffer for that? - Yes.
Would people's trust get severed? - Yes.
... I just don't think that all this is worth me pushing away my responsibilities or tasks...
I know that SAF is a screwed up, F***** up organization.
But since I'm not given a choice not to serve, I'd might as well give it the best I have!
If everybody had the mentality that SAF is screwed up and thus be screwed up, of course things will never change...
If I could rank my personality I think that I'm a
1) Stubborn
2) Selfless
3) Christian
I'm stubborn. Stubborn to the point of stupidity. If I truly believe in something, I will be blind to everything else. I will accept no other opinions, and no other answers, unless every single evidence around me crumbles to dust.
I'm selfless. In the retarded way. I would rather suffer then cause many friends and people I love around me to suffer in the slightest way. I would rather die then let the whole world suffer a day because of me.
I believe that "Christian" is a personality. Because of its value that has been drilled into me.
"Do unto others what you would want others to do unto you."
"Love your enemy."
"Love the Lord your God, with all your heart, with all your mind and all your strength."
sigh...
Does anybody truly understand my conflict?
I don't think so.
...I really don't think so...
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Tank - Qing Tian Yu
你说你是雨天
而我是太阳耀眼
说我不适合出现在
你住的灰色世界
想晒干你的泪
却被你简单拒绝
在我手心里的温度
好想要分给你一点
我忽然期待天空能下一场雨
让我在冰冷的夜慢慢了解你
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
我能够期待晴天下的雨
你说你不怕黑
一个人也无所谓
独自撑伞走过伤悲
不再和爱有关联
我想要带你飞
飞向彩虹的另一边
我们搬进幸福的里面
一直到永远的永远
我忽然期待天空能下一场雨
让我在冰冷的夜慢慢了解你
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
我能够期待晴天下的雨
晴天雨天谁说只能对立
我偏偏只想和你在一起
美丽美丽好浪漫的晴天雨
我们的天空不再孤寂
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
让我期待晴天下的雨
让我们的天空不再孤寂
...
you said you're the rain
and I'm the blinding sun...
you said that in this gray, sad world,
it would be impossible for us to be together
I wanted to dry your tears
but you simply rejected me
All I wanted was to give you
the bit of warmth that was in my hand
At that moment, I wished it would rain
And in the icy night, maybe I'd know you more...
Who says that you can't have the sun
on a rainy day?
I really don't care...
All I want to do is to be with you.
Today, tomorrow, up till forever
I won't ever want to leave you
Will you let me wait for the rain to fall?
You said the darkness don't scare you,
that you don't mind loneliness..
Carrying your pain and anguish alone
Hoping love never crosses your path again...
I wish I could fly and carry you
To the other side of the rainbow
Where we can live out the rest of our lives
In happiness and comfort
At that moment, I wished it would rain
And in the icy night, maybe I'd know you more...
Who says that you can't have the sun
on a rainy day?
I really don't care...
All I really want is to be with you.
Today, tomorrow, up till forever
I won't ever want to leave you
Will you let me wait for the rain to fall?
Who says the sun
Who says the rain,
must only exist alone?
I don't care... all I want is to be together with you
It's so beautiful to see rain on a sunny day
Where our skies will never be lonely ever again...
Who says I can't hope for the sun and the rain?
I just want to be together with you...
Today, and forever, I don't ever want to be apart
Please, let me wait for the rain to fall on my sunny day,
So our skies will never be lonely again...
而我是太阳耀眼
说我不适合出现在
你住的灰色世界
想晒干你的泪
却被你简单拒绝
在我手心里的温度
好想要分给你一点
我忽然期待天空能下一场雨
让我在冰冷的夜慢慢了解你
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
我能够期待晴天下的雨
你说你不怕黑
一个人也无所谓
独自撑伞走过伤悲
不再和爱有关联
我想要带你飞
飞向彩虹的另一边
我们搬进幸福的里面
一直到永远的永远
我忽然期待天空能下一场雨
让我在冰冷的夜慢慢了解你
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
我能够期待晴天下的雨
晴天雨天谁说只能对立
我偏偏只想和你在一起
美丽美丽好浪漫的晴天雨
我们的天空不再孤寂
晴天雨天谁说不能想恋
我偏偏只想和你在一起
今天明天我都不想远离
让我期待晴天下的雨
让我们的天空不再孤寂
...
you said you're the rain
and I'm the blinding sun...
you said that in this gray, sad world,
it would be impossible for us to be together
I wanted to dry your tears
but you simply rejected me
All I wanted was to give you
the bit of warmth that was in my hand
At that moment, I wished it would rain
And in the icy night, maybe I'd know you more...
Who says that you can't have the sun
on a rainy day?
I really don't care...
All I want to do is to be with you.
Today, tomorrow, up till forever
I won't ever want to leave you
Will you let me wait for the rain to fall?
You said the darkness don't scare you,
that you don't mind loneliness..
Carrying your pain and anguish alone
Hoping love never crosses your path again...
I wish I could fly and carry you
To the other side of the rainbow
Where we can live out the rest of our lives
In happiness and comfort
At that moment, I wished it would rain
And in the icy night, maybe I'd know you more...
Who says that you can't have the sun
on a rainy day?
I really don't care...
All I really want is to be with you.
Today, tomorrow, up till forever
I won't ever want to leave you
Will you let me wait for the rain to fall?
Who says the sun
Who says the rain,
must only exist alone?
I don't care... all I want is to be together with you
It's so beautiful to see rain on a sunny day
Where our skies will never be lonely ever again...
Who says I can't hope for the sun and the rain?
I just want to be together with you...
Today, and forever, I don't ever want to be apart
Please, let me wait for the rain to fall on my sunny day,
So our skies will never be lonely again...
Friday, December 12, 2008
it's so lonely at night.... even the stars don't blink much anymore..
you're so near, yet so far...
have I been a good boyfriend?...
I guess I tried my best...
I did...
Dear God, do you want me to be with Alvin? :
I was staring at a dewy, forsaken web. It looked so broken, nothing could ever, ever make it a home.
I challenged God and asked for something almost impossible to happen. I asked for life in that web.
I asked God for a sign.
Immediately, a little spider suddenly jumped up and startled me till I fell flat on my butt on the ground.
I asked God for a sign again.
Immediately, a larger, lighter brown spider jumped up and bit the little spider. The spider struggled then broke its leg and ran away.
I asked God for one last sign.
I closed my eyes... and when I opened, the web was empty again. There was nothing left.
I challenged Him to give me an answer.
He gave me an answer.
It was no coincidence.
But now my heart feels more pain then ever before...
.. I wished I never asked...
you're so near, yet so far...
have I been a good boyfriend?...
I guess I tried my best...
I did...
Dear God, do you want me to be with Alvin? :
I was staring at a dewy, forsaken web. It looked so broken, nothing could ever, ever make it a home.
I challenged God and asked for something almost impossible to happen. I asked for life in that web.
I asked God for a sign.
Immediately, a little spider suddenly jumped up and startled me till I fell flat on my butt on the ground.
I asked God for a sign again.
Immediately, a larger, lighter brown spider jumped up and bit the little spider. The spider struggled then broke its leg and ran away.
I asked God for one last sign.
I closed my eyes... and when I opened, the web was empty again. There was nothing left.
I challenged Him to give me an answer.
He gave me an answer.
It was no coincidence.
But now my heart feels more pain then ever before...
.. I wished I never asked...
Monday, December 08, 2008
Please... Don't go...
Skies are dark it's time for rain
Final call you board the train
Heading for tomorrow
I wave goodbye to yesterdays
Wipe the tears that hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow
-
How can I be smiling like before
When baby, you don't love me anymore
-
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so
-
Ten to five at least we tried
We're still alive but hope just died
As they close the door behind you
Whistle blows and tons of steel
Shake the ground beneath the wheels
As I wish I never found you
-
How can I be smiling when you're gone
Will I be strong enough to carry on
-
Miles and miles to go before I can say,
Before I can lay my love for you to sleep
Oh, darling oh
I got miles and miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear
Me laugh again
-
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Potentially and Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he`d sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in
a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?""Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied,
"Yes, sir. Potentially, we`re sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we`re living with two sluts and a queer."
Monday, December 01, 2008
Holiday Cheers! - or not.
You know there are good days, and bad days....
then there are good holidays, and bad holidays...
Zzz.. It's funny, when you're always loaded with so much stuff to do, then when you're thrown with holidays, you have no idea what to do with it...
seriously....
=/
anywayz, on a heavier note, the month of December marks the start of my cutting month.
ARRGH!!! WTF WTF WTF!!! KPKBBPBPSBSBKNNBCCB!!!
%@!$@(!
Jeez. Wish I had planned my training schedules more accurately...
I can't eat Christmas goodies now.... So I'll stick to baking, making or just smashing them.
Well, I'm going to be making the following this Christmas
1) Christmas Fruit Cake! (yup, with brandy and walnuts, almond, macadamias and lots of fruits!)
2) Christmas flavored chocolate chip cookies! (Chocolate chip cookies with a snap of ginger and cinnamon!)
3) Christmas pudding! (ok. I havn't the vaguest idea how to make a christmas pudding, but I just wanna give it a try.)
4)Istanbul... no... TURKEY!! heh heh heh... (well, it's one of the few christmassy stuff that I can sink my teeth into!)
5) Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake! (soft and fluffy chocolate mousse cheesecake!)
hmm.. Yup, I think I'll just stick with these five for the time being...
almost all five of them are uber sinful, but I think I'd just let other people get fat...
haha....
I tried doing HIIT today round my estate. I think I looked like a uber stupid idiot...
Fast - slow - fast - slow - fast slow...
People who see me sprinting would be thinking that I'm mad or I'm chasing a thief.
People who see me jogging would be thinking I'm dying cos I'm breathing so hard.
=X
Not good. I think I'd stick to the stationary bike next time.
Anywayz, I've managed to up my HIIT intervals to 15 intervals... So that should do it for now until next January.
and on a happier note, my mum has finally agreed with me that an electric toothbrush works better then a manual toothbrush!!
yes. We had a debate on that.
I always thought that an electric toothbrush cleans better then a manual toothbrush.
isn't it?
My mum always said, "Electric Toothbrushes are for LAZY PEOPLE."
huh?
oh... uhh... then , "Mum.. why are you using a water heater for hot water? Shouldn't you be like boiling the water in the traditional way and pouring it into the tub?"
err.... no sense right?
ha.
Yay. I'm going to get myself an electric toothbrush for Christmas...
*grins*
I've always prided myself in my white teeth.. xD
then there are good holidays, and bad holidays...
Zzz.. It's funny, when you're always loaded with so much stuff to do, then when you're thrown with holidays, you have no idea what to do with it...
seriously....
=/
anywayz, on a heavier note, the month of December marks the start of my cutting month.
ARRGH!!! WTF WTF WTF!!! KPKBBPBPSBSBKNNBCCB!!!
%@!$@(!
Jeez. Wish I had planned my training schedules more accurately...
I can't eat Christmas goodies now.... So I'll stick to baking, making or just smashing them.
Well, I'm going to be making the following this Christmas
1) Christmas Fruit Cake! (yup, with brandy and walnuts, almond, macadamias and lots of fruits!)
2) Christmas flavored chocolate chip cookies! (Chocolate chip cookies with a snap of ginger and cinnamon!)
3) Christmas pudding! (ok. I havn't the vaguest idea how to make a christmas pudding, but I just wanna give it a try.)
4)
5) Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake! (soft and fluffy chocolate mousse cheesecake!)
hmm.. Yup, I think I'll just stick with these five for the time being...
almost all five of them are uber sinful, but I think I'd just let other people get fat...
haha....
I tried doing HIIT today round my estate. I think I looked like a uber stupid idiot...
Fast - slow - fast - slow - fast slow...
People who see me sprinting would be thinking that I'm mad or I'm chasing a thief.
People who see me jogging would be thinking I'm dying cos I'm breathing so hard.
=X
Not good. I think I'd stick to the stationary bike next time.
Anywayz, I've managed to up my HIIT intervals to 15 intervals... So that should do it for now until next January.
and on a happier note, my mum has finally agreed with me that an electric toothbrush works better then a manual toothbrush!!
yes. We had a debate on that.
versus
I always thought that an electric toothbrush cleans better then a manual toothbrush.
isn't it?
My mum always said, "Electric Toothbrushes are for LAZY PEOPLE."
huh?
oh... uhh... then , "Mum.. why are you using a water heater for hot water? Shouldn't you be like boiling the water in the traditional way and pouring it into the tub?"
err.... no sense right?
ha.
Yay. I'm going to get myself an electric toothbrush for Christmas...
*grins*
I've always prided myself in my white teeth.. xD
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
To Die or not to Die
People always ask me if I ever get shaken in my faith... even after being a Christian for so many years and being part of a many essential teams that run the church..
hah... I'd be a downright awful liar if I say no.
What do you think about death?
- a transition?
- an essential part of everything?
- a liberation?
well... what about a slow, painful, extremely costly death... a slow death where you are beyond the skills of doctors and medicine.
The National Council of Churches (NCCS), issued a statement not too long ago condemning the practice of euthanasia - essentially, the permittive act of causing another person who is hopelessly ill or suffering, the choice of death.
Their reasoning highlights 4 points
1) The Sanctity of Life
2) Respect for Human Life
3) The Ethos of Medical Practice and
4) Euthanasia's effect on society
For the full statement:
(http://www.methodist.org.sg/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=938)
My problem with the above reasoning are as follows.
1) The Sanctity of Life.
God gave us life, thus it is not in our hands to take it away. God made us good stewards of life (argument from my Dad in the debate I had a few days back). As such, we must treasure it and make sure that it is not taken away unless it is the will of God.
If we allow euthanasia, being passive or actively playing a role in it, we are taking away life, and not being a good steward of the li(ves) that God gave us.
Now. My question is this. Does retaining life make us a good steward of life?
True, it is not our power to take life away. But is it in our power to push life to a person? .
A person dying from a wasting disease, writhing in agony every second. Blood seeps from his eyes as he cries, his veins are purple and blue, his skin rotting away.
He cries out to you to "let him go", "let him die". To release him from this "diabolical life-sustaining machine" that is causing him to live another ten months before his body eventually collapses beyond the power of machines.
You say kindly, "I will do whatever it is in my power to let you live.", "I'll spend my whole family's saving, sell my house, my insurance, stocks and shares to let you live this ten months."
... "who knows, there might be a cure."
The person begs you not to waste resources and let him die.
In the natural context, the person would have died from that wasting disease already. But due to life extension systems, advance medicine and your undivided attention and resources, his life is prolonged indefinitely.
Are you playing God?
Does God give life? Yes.
Does God take life? Yes.
Who are you to extend another person's suffering, increase your family and loved one's suffering due to your wastage of resources, destroy another person's hope of using that life support for a curable disease?
2) Respect for Human Life
The Sixth Commandment of the Decalogue prohibits murder - which extends to suicide and the losing of personal life as well.
Euthanasia is not a treatment, it is not a cure. Euthanasia is a release.
It is the release of the suffering of another person, to die naturally. Would one person kill another to save the entire world?
That may be an exaggeration, but there has been so many instances in the bible where one person died to save the world - the Gospal being the prime example.
It may be heresy to say that Jesus "committed suicide" to save the world, but the fact is that He did give up his own life to save every one of us, from the very real eternal death that we would have faced!
What respect is there for a life that persists in consuming resources, enduring unending agony and claiming it all in the sanctity of his own life?
Selfish? - probably.
3) Ethos of Medical Practice
To minimize suffering and maximize care. Never to kill.
Which one is more important?
If both are important, which one takes precedence?
I care so much for the patient that I cause all the other patients around me to be unable to receive my full attention. I tried morphine, valium, cerebrex, whatever it takes to stop the pain, but verging on killing that patient, that patient is still in so much pain.
What would be ETHOS then?
Ethos is derived from Ethics. As a medical practitioner, you're to ease suffering, and do what it takes to save the rest.
If a plagued victim enters your hospital, incurable. Would you send him away?
He is suffering so badly. And the solution to the problem is just in pressing the power switch on the right of his bed.
What would you do?
You think not killing him will save the rest of your patients?
4) The effect of Euthanasia on Society
"Seeing death as the ultimate solution and not considering other alternatives."
Lets compare Euthanasia and Abortion, as so kindly equalized in the statement.
Euthanasia -
Alternative way out : Supreme Divine Intervention
Possible to affect people around you adversely : Yes
Taxing on resources : Yes
(It's tough. And no reward)
Abortion -
Alternative way out : Raise the frigging kid!!
Possible to affect people around you adversely : Yes. People will go smoochie smoochie what a cute baby.
Taxing on resources : Of course, but it is rewarding when your child finally grows to become a good person.
(It's really tough. But the reward is immensively high)
But lets look at the "alternative way out". Rejecting Euthanasia, the person eventually dies. Rejecting abortion, the person eventually lives.
Is it a proper comparison? - My suggestion is "no."
Euthanasia does not advocate "DEATH" as a solution to "SOCIAL ILLS". Euthanasia is the solution for "MEDICAL INCAPACITY AND ABJECT SUFFERING."
social ills is such a broad term that can be used to classify things like robbery, murder, to even breaking up with your boyfriend.
Why on earth are you all trying to downplay the severity of euthanasia?
....
I agree with the suggestion that more Hospices should be set up, more caregivers and medical-relief technology should be looked into. But I still believe that prolonging suffering is not our duty.
As stewards of money, we give as needed, we take as needed.
Not giving, for the sake of selfishness, makes us a bad steward.
Giving, for the sake of fame and adoration, makes us a bad steward.
As good stewards of life, we give as needed, we take as needed.
Witholding for the sake of selfishness makes a bad steward
Giving for the sake of fame and adoration, makes us a bad steward.
Who are you to judge who is allowed to live or die?
If you truly have the guts, then let the person be off medically!
Use divine intervention and divine powers to heal! No medicine!
What is my stand then?
My stand is, "If a person has no cure, beyond the reach of the instruments of this world, is suffering immensively, taxing on resources, AND HE REQUESTS TO DIE. - then let it be." - and by 'let it be' i mean, let it go naturally.
Off the life support and heaps of drugs, and let God-breathed life take its final course.
If God willed it, then he shall live by the grace of God.
NOT BY THE POWER OF HUMAN MEDICINE or MACHINES.
That is, by the way, passive euthanasia.
I do not advocate any other form of euthanasia. And since my example is extremely specific, obviously it doesn't cover suicide either.
Think again before you take the bible out of context.
Don't make yourself be a laughing stock for nothing.
...
hah... I'd be a downright awful liar if I say no.
What do you think about death?
- a transition?
- an essential part of everything?
- a liberation?
well... what about a slow, painful, extremely costly death... a slow death where you are beyond the skills of doctors and medicine.
The National Council of Churches (NCCS), issued a statement not too long ago condemning the practice of euthanasia - essentially, the permittive act of causing another person who is hopelessly ill or suffering, the choice of death.
Their reasoning highlights 4 points
1) The Sanctity of Life
2) Respect for Human Life
3) The Ethos of Medical Practice and
4) Euthanasia's effect on society
For the full statement:
(http://www.methodist.org.sg/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=938)
My problem with the above reasoning are as follows.
1) The Sanctity of Life.
God gave us life, thus it is not in our hands to take it away. God made us good stewards of life (argument from my Dad in the debate I had a few days back). As such, we must treasure it and make sure that it is not taken away unless it is the will of God.
If we allow euthanasia, being passive or actively playing a role in it, we are taking away life, and not being a good steward of the li(ves) that God gave us.
Now. My question is this. Does retaining life make us a good steward of life?
True, it is not our power to take life away. But is it in our power to push life to a person? .
A person dying from a wasting disease, writhing in agony every second. Blood seeps from his eyes as he cries, his veins are purple and blue, his skin rotting away.
He cries out to you to "let him go", "let him die". To release him from this "diabolical life-sustaining machine" that is causing him to live another ten months before his body eventually collapses beyond the power of machines.
You say kindly, "I will do whatever it is in my power to let you live.", "I'll spend my whole family's saving, sell my house, my insurance, stocks and shares to let you live this ten months."
... "who knows, there might be a cure."
The person begs you not to waste resources and let him die.
In the natural context, the person would have died from that wasting disease already. But due to life extension systems, advance medicine and your undivided attention and resources, his life is prolonged indefinitely.
Are you playing God?
Does God give life? Yes.
Does God take life? Yes.
Who are you to extend another person's suffering, increase your family and loved one's suffering due to your wastage of resources, destroy another person's hope of using that life support for a curable disease?
2) Respect for Human Life
The Sixth Commandment of the Decalogue prohibits murder - which extends to suicide and the losing of personal life as well.
Euthanasia is not a treatment, it is not a cure. Euthanasia is a release.
It is the release of the suffering of another person, to die naturally. Would one person kill another to save the entire world?
That may be an exaggeration, but there has been so many instances in the bible where one person died to save the world - the Gospal being the prime example.
It may be heresy to say that Jesus "committed suicide" to save the world, but the fact is that He did give up his own life to save every one of us, from the very real eternal death that we would have faced!
What respect is there for a life that persists in consuming resources, enduring unending agony and claiming it all in the sanctity of his own life?
Selfish? - probably.
3) Ethos of Medical Practice
To minimize suffering and maximize care. Never to kill.
Which one is more important?
If both are important, which one takes precedence?
I care so much for the patient that I cause all the other patients around me to be unable to receive my full attention. I tried morphine, valium, cerebrex, whatever it takes to stop the pain, but verging on killing that patient, that patient is still in so much pain.
What would be ETHOS then?
Ethos is derived from Ethics. As a medical practitioner, you're to ease suffering, and do what it takes to save the rest.
If a plagued victim enters your hospital, incurable. Would you send him away?
He is suffering so badly. And the solution to the problem is just in pressing the power switch on the right of his bed.
What would you do?
You think not killing him will save the rest of your patients?
4) The effect of Euthanasia on Society
"Seeing death as the ultimate solution and not considering other alternatives."
Lets compare Euthanasia and Abortion, as so kindly equalized in the statement.
Euthanasia -
Alternative way out : Supreme Divine Intervention
Possible to affect people around you adversely : Yes
Taxing on resources : Yes
(It's tough. And no reward)
Abortion -
Alternative way out : Raise the frigging kid!!
Possible to affect people around you adversely : Yes. People will go smoochie smoochie what a cute baby.
Taxing on resources : Of course, but it is rewarding when your child finally grows to become a good person.
(It's really tough. But the reward is immensively high)
But lets look at the "alternative way out". Rejecting Euthanasia, the person eventually dies. Rejecting abortion, the person eventually lives.
Is it a proper comparison? - My suggestion is "no."
Euthanasia does not advocate "DEATH" as a solution to "SOCIAL ILLS". Euthanasia is the solution for "MEDICAL INCAPACITY AND ABJECT SUFFERING."
social ills is such a broad term that can be used to classify things like robbery, murder, to even breaking up with your boyfriend.
Why on earth are you all trying to downplay the severity of euthanasia?
....
I agree with the suggestion that more Hospices should be set up, more caregivers and medical-relief technology should be looked into. But I still believe that prolonging suffering is not our duty.
As stewards of money, we give as needed, we take as needed.
Not giving, for the sake of selfishness, makes us a bad steward.
Giving, for the sake of fame and adoration, makes us a bad steward.
As good stewards of life, we give as needed, we take as needed.
Witholding for the sake of selfishness makes a bad steward
Giving for the sake of fame and adoration, makes us a bad steward.
Who are you to judge who is allowed to live or die?
If you truly have the guts, then let the person be off medically!
Use divine intervention and divine powers to heal! No medicine!
What is my stand then?
My stand is, "If a person has no cure, beyond the reach of the instruments of this world, is suffering immensively, taxing on resources, AND HE REQUESTS TO DIE. - then let it be." - and by 'let it be' i mean, let it go naturally.
Off the life support and heaps of drugs, and let God-breathed life take its final course.
If God willed it, then he shall live by the grace of God.
NOT BY THE POWER OF HUMAN MEDICINE or MACHINES.
That is, by the way, passive euthanasia.
I do not advocate any other form of euthanasia. And since my example is extremely specific, obviously it doesn't cover suicide either.
Think again before you take the bible out of context.
Don't make yourself be a laughing stock for nothing.
...
Monday, November 24, 2008
Lol. The Depravity
George Bush went to a primary school to talk to the kids and get a little PR for his campaign. After his talk he offered some question time. One little boy put up his hand and George asked him his name. "Billy" responded the little boy. "And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then, the bell rang for recess. George Bush informed the kids that they would continue after recess. When they resumed, George said, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy put up his hand. George pointed him out and asked him his name. "Steve", he responds. "And what is your question, Steve?"
"Actually, I have 5 questions,sir. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the fuck happened to Billy?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.
Strive, to be happy.
--- Max Ehrmann, 1927
my dad told me a meaningful poem today... after hearing the bitter issues i was facing...
... well...
maybe... just maybe...
I swear I'll never believe in morality again.
I swear I'll never believe in morality again.
What on earth is morality? Nothing but a pile of shit created by humans to justify their own reasons. To meet their own ends.
I can tell you that "truth" is one thing, and it is up to you to believe it. And since I'm your boss, my truth is the TRUTH - nothing else matters. Not even what you consider is the truth.
I think that killing people is right. Since I'm your boss, what i say is right, it is right. If you do not kill people upon my orders, you will be sent to prison.
What conscience?
What humanity?
Is it not an irrelevant boundary?
I came the closest ever to being sent to the Detention Barracks today in my entire SAF life - for standing up for my subordinate.
I can't say anything on this blog, for obvious reasons. But suffice to say, my "conscience" is crystal clear.
oh... but again. Look above. Conscience doesn't matter!
Fuck.
Why on earth do I work so hard to be unappreciated, stepped upon, criticized, compared and insulted?
WHY??
I'm sick of being exploited because it is just my nature to put in my best.
I'm just a lowly measly bug crawling on the floor who earns TEN TIMES less then people who do TEN TIMES less work.
no. I'm utterly sick of it.
But it goes against my conscience. I have to erase and rewrite my conscience once and for all.
I should not be hardworking.
I should be a backstabber, like all those people earning TEN TIME more.
I should be a lazy slob.
I should report to work late and leave early.
I should complain at the slightest behest.
Can I do all this?
No.
Because unlike many "people", I'm a human.
I'm a human ruled by demons.
and I can't escape.
well... now that I've helped my subordinate, most of the ire will now be directed at me.
my life in SAF will be hell beyond hell from now...
.... why? WHY ME?
I DON'T WANT TO BE THE I/C.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH POLITICS!!!
I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! SO SO VERY MUCH!!! I HATE IT! I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!!!
why do i always op out of being in "committees" and "managements"? because of this!!
....
When my brother was explaining to me how it was pointless, I just felt so sad and helpless...
Is this what I must face in the world?
Is doing right means getting punished?
Is fighting for the rights of other people a slap in your own face?
If that is so...
I give up on this world.
I give up on everything in this world.
I hate it.
I hate this world.
What on earth is morality? Nothing but a pile of shit created by humans to justify their own reasons. To meet their own ends.
I can tell you that "truth" is one thing, and it is up to you to believe it. And since I'm your boss, my truth is the TRUTH - nothing else matters. Not even what you consider is the truth.
I think that killing people is right. Since I'm your boss, what i say is right, it is right. If you do not kill people upon my orders, you will be sent to prison.
What conscience?
What humanity?
Is it not an irrelevant boundary?
I came the closest ever to being sent to the Detention Barracks today in my entire SAF life - for standing up for my subordinate.
I can't say anything on this blog, for obvious reasons. But suffice to say, my "conscience" is crystal clear.
oh... but again. Look above. Conscience doesn't matter!
Fuck.
Why on earth do I work so hard to be unappreciated, stepped upon, criticized, compared and insulted?
WHY??
I'm sick of being exploited because it is just my nature to put in my best.
I'm just a lowly measly bug crawling on the floor who earns TEN TIMES less then people who do TEN TIMES less work.
no. I'm utterly sick of it.
But it goes against my conscience. I have to erase and rewrite my conscience once and for all.
I should not be hardworking.
I should be a backstabber, like all those people earning TEN TIME more.
I should be a lazy slob.
I should report to work late and leave early.
I should complain at the slightest behest.
Can I do all this?
No.
Because unlike many "people", I'm a human.
I'm a human ruled by demons.
and I can't escape.
well... now that I've helped my subordinate, most of the ire will now be directed at me.
my life in SAF will be hell beyond hell from now...
.... why? WHY ME?
I DON'T WANT TO BE THE I/C.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH POLITICS!!!
I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! SO SO VERY MUCH!!! I HATE IT! I HATE IT I HATE IT!!!!!
why do i always op out of being in "committees" and "managements"? because of this!!
....
When my brother was explaining to me how it was pointless, I just felt so sad and helpless...
Is this what I must face in the world?
Is doing right means getting punished?
Is fighting for the rights of other people a slap in your own face?
If that is so...
I give up on this world.
I give up on everything in this world.
I hate it.
I hate this world.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
FUCKED UP SUPERIOR
FUCKING MICHAEL TAN.
FUCKING UNREASONABLE, FUCKING DISGUSTING, FUCKING DESPICABLE ASSHOLE!!
I'M SO FUCKING GLAD YOUR WIFE KICKED THE BUCKET!
SHE MUST BE SO FUCKING ASHAMED TO SEE YOU IN THIS CONDITION.
JUST GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF, DRINK POISON, GET CANCER AND LEAVE THIS EARTH ASAP!!!
KNNBCCB!!!
I - WILL - NOT - ALLOW - YOU - TO - HARM - MY - DEPARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCKING UNREASONABLE, FUCKING DISGUSTING, FUCKING DESPICABLE ASSHOLE!!
I'M SO FUCKING GLAD YOUR WIFE KICKED THE BUCKET!
SHE MUST BE SO FUCKING ASHAMED TO SEE YOU IN THIS CONDITION.
JUST GO JUMP OFF A CLIFF, DRINK POISON, GET CANCER AND LEAVE THIS EARTH ASAP!!!
KNNBCCB!!!
I - WILL - NOT - ALLOW - YOU - TO - HARM - MY - DEPARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Complain Update
It's funny that I'm in a workplace surrounded by computers and network system and yet I can hardly squeeze out time to blog.
Sigh...
Between the last time I blog and now, so many things happened that I'm unsure whether to be happy or utterly frustrated. Maybe I should be happily frustrated, or frustratedly happy... whatever..
Anyway, I've got my nice lofty position in a nice comfortable room with a nice comfortable chair ripped out from beneath me and I've been booted far, far upwards to become the I/C of my department.
.. utterly spastic.
No. I do not like my job, I hardly think it's worth the double promotion and the first class promotion that dangles before me like a half eaten, worm rotten trout.
I don't mind if I just do like extremely tough physical work and administrative work, but I'm totally freaked out by politics.
Person A hates person B
Person B asks me to go backstab Person A.
Person A is my friend.
I try nicely to talk to him to change his "working style"
Person A asks me nicely to backstab Person B.
...
Person B gets frustrated that things are not getting done.
He punishes everybody with a blanket punishment saying, "since Person A has done this, everybody must be punished now."
Person A tries to get everybody to hate Person B.
but Person B ends up getting everybody's sympathy.
I end up having to answer for why on earth the punishment isn't working. Like wtf?
...
Dumb stupid job.
I hate politics. I hate propaganda. I hate backstabbing people whom I don't even know. And I hate people expecting me to know everything the moment I'm elevated to demi-godlike status.
Like wtf?
sigh....
I really wish I had my dear to confide to these few days...
It's so hellish...
He's currently happily holidaying in China... *sobz*
I wanna go along with him too...
(Btw. The author is typing secretively in his department HQ, coz if the rest saw, I'd be stuck in deeper shit then Obama is brown. - just kidding)
Somehow, with Obama winning the election, it seems like not just America is celebrating, but the entire world is celebrating with them....
The newspaper forum articles that praise Obama outnumber those that are apprehensive over his upcoming reign 10:1 ....
yeah. I'm glad that there is a nice new leader for the world's most powerful nation, but isn't the whole issue a bit overhyped?
doh. He advocates change yet rejects the recognition of same sex marriages...
I'm still kinda bitter over the outcome of proposition 8.
...
Now the Singaporean government will gloat over this unfortunate turn of events and will NEVER give any advantages to gays and lesbians in Singapore... at least not until this simple matter of proposition 8 blows over.
I think alot of other countries will follow suit and retract their GLBT freedom policies.
FUCK.
Now that is pissifying.
George Bush advocates war, this black man advocates intolerance. Now what is next.
No. I do not think that John McCain will do any better. But that is not the issue.
tch.
arrgh... life aint very good.
It's like a bed of rose. literally.
i'm being pierced all over.
jeez.
I can't wait to relinquish this spastic position. % #%&*^@&!
Sigh...
Between the last time I blog and now, so many things happened that I'm unsure whether to be happy or utterly frustrated. Maybe I should be happily frustrated, or frustratedly happy... whatever..
Anyway, I've got my nice lofty position in a nice comfortable room with a nice comfortable chair ripped out from beneath me and I've been booted far, far upwards to become the I/C of my department.
.. utterly spastic.
No. I do not like my job, I hardly think it's worth the double promotion and the first class promotion that dangles before me like a half eaten, worm rotten trout.
I don't mind if I just do like extremely tough physical work and administrative work, but I'm totally freaked out by politics.
Person A hates person B
Person B asks me to go backstab Person A.
Person A is my friend.
I try nicely to talk to him to change his "working style"
Person A asks me nicely to backstab Person B.
...
Person B gets frustrated that things are not getting done.
He punishes everybody with a blanket punishment saying, "since Person A has done this, everybody must be punished now."
Person A tries to get everybody to hate Person B.
but Person B ends up getting everybody's sympathy.
I end up having to answer for why on earth the punishment isn't working. Like wtf?
...
Dumb stupid job.
I hate politics. I hate propaganda. I hate backstabbing people whom I don't even know. And I hate people expecting me to know everything the moment I'm elevated to demi-godlike status.
Like wtf?
sigh....
I really wish I had my dear to confide to these few days...
It's so hellish...
He's currently happily holidaying in China... *sobz*
I wanna go along with him too...
(Btw. The author is typing secretively in his department HQ, coz if the rest saw, I'd be stuck in deeper shit then Obama is brown. - just kidding)
Somehow, with Obama winning the election, it seems like not just America is celebrating, but the entire world is celebrating with them....
The newspaper forum articles that praise Obama outnumber those that are apprehensive over his upcoming reign 10:1 ....
yeah. I'm glad that there is a nice new leader for the world's most powerful nation, but isn't the whole issue a bit overhyped?
doh. He advocates change yet rejects the recognition of same sex marriages...
I'm still kinda bitter over the outcome of proposition 8.
...
Now the Singaporean government will gloat over this unfortunate turn of events and will NEVER give any advantages to gays and lesbians in Singapore... at least not until this simple matter of proposition 8 blows over.
I think alot of other countries will follow suit and retract their GLBT freedom policies.
FUCK.
Now that is pissifying.
George Bush advocates war, this black man advocates intolerance. Now what is next.
No. I do not think that John McCain will do any better. But that is not the issue.
tch.
arrgh... life aint very good.
It's like a bed of rose. literally.
i'm being pierced all over.
jeez.
I can't wait to relinquish this spastic position. % #%&*^@&!
Monday, October 20, 2008
Philophobia
okay.. I realized I havn't updated my blog for like eons, coz mainly I don't know what to write.. It's just that boring..
I seriously don't know what to write... jeesh.
Well, recently I've been going out with my dear a lot, and he's rather grumpy and moody from all the financial turmoil that have been going on in the world markets...
and when he gets angry he make a really cute face... furrowing his eyebrows and baring his teeth.
bleah..
Its funny, considering how I consider myself to be an expert on relationships, yet can't help but feel annoyed at some antics that Alvin does...
it sounds ludicrous that I claim to be extremely experienced in relationships cos I'm only in my early twenties, but really.. does age matter?
I've been through so many that sometimes, I wonder if I could ever fully trust a relationship ever again...
I always say that "The first relationship is never the last."
It's a simple, polarized and vastly sweeping statement that carries my exact judgement on what would happen in the future.
I believe that it is impossible to believe or understand the amount of sacrifice, love or care the other party gives if one doesn't lose everything and realize that loss.
If you have everything, would you know nothing?
If your life is all happiness, would you truly know happiness?
Complacency and lack of understanding breeds contempt...
How far would you go, compared to your previous relationships, to sustain your current relationship? Can you prevent the same mistakes from happening if they never happened in the first place?
I think I lost count on the amount of relationships that I've been through...
Each time being stabbed and hurt so badly that I become numb.
Numb?
Yeah.. thats the definition... Not what happens when another person who loves you hurt you mistakenly...
It's when the person whom you sacrificed and love so very much turn their back to you and walk away..
Numb, is pain so intense that you no longer feel pain.
When your body shuts down it's responses to agony to protect itself from dying from emotional pain.
You cannot feel numb when another person truly loves you.
If anyone can claim to be numb when another person who loves you accidentally does something hurtful, then they either don't know what they're talking about.. or doesn't love the person in the first place.
When a couple gets into a relationship, they start out with fluffy puppy love in the beginning, but it evolves into a more distinct, supportive love eventually.
Words like,
"You're so beautiful", "You're so sweet", "I want to be with you forever"
evolves to become
"You're always beautiful to me", "*a simple grin*", "Let's do this together".
It no longer becomes an issue with the other party, which always starts out in the beginning that way, and it no longer becomes an issue with yourself, which always slices in halfway in a turning point in the relationship.
It's about how you can complement him. It's about how he can complement you.
Have you seen him cry? Or have you touched his tears?
Have you felt his deepest agony or his darkest fears?
Have you? Can you?
One day, you'll come face to face with this, and can you still innocently give that puppy love that falls to nothing in the face of true sadness?
If you love someone, then understand that it takes more then talking on the phone, going out with him or her everyday, or spending money on them.
One day, it'll just all fall to nothing. And then you'll realize what numbness is really like.
I love his smile.
I love his witty statements.
I love his big broad grins.
I love his hugs from behind.
I love his hugs from the front.
I love his spikey hair.
I love his puppy eyes.
I love his grumpiness.
I love his frowns.
I love his bared teeth.
I love his furrowed eyebrows.
I love his sadness.
I love his sniffles.
I love his tears.
They are all what make Alvin, Alvin. The Alvin I love so much...
We may argue, make spiteful comments at each other, or even fight... but it's what makes us treasure each other more when we're not.
I love him..
always did....
I seriously don't know what to write... jeesh.
Well, recently I've been going out with my dear a lot, and he's rather grumpy and moody from all the financial turmoil that have been going on in the world markets...
and when he gets angry he make a really cute face... furrowing his eyebrows and baring his teeth.
bleah..
Its funny, considering how I consider myself to be an expert on relationships, yet can't help but feel annoyed at some antics that Alvin does...
it sounds ludicrous that I claim to be extremely experienced in relationships cos I'm only in my early twenties, but really.. does age matter?
I've been through so many that sometimes, I wonder if I could ever fully trust a relationship ever again...
I always say that "The first relationship is never the last."
It's a simple, polarized and vastly sweeping statement that carries my exact judgement on what would happen in the future.
I believe that it is impossible to believe or understand the amount of sacrifice, love or care the other party gives if one doesn't lose everything and realize that loss.
If you have everything, would you know nothing?
If your life is all happiness, would you truly know happiness?
Complacency and lack of understanding breeds contempt...
How far would you go, compared to your previous relationships, to sustain your current relationship? Can you prevent the same mistakes from happening if they never happened in the first place?
I think I lost count on the amount of relationships that I've been through...
Each time being stabbed and hurt so badly that I become numb.
Numb?
Yeah.. thats the definition... Not what happens when another person who loves you hurt you mistakenly...
It's when the person whom you sacrificed and love so very much turn their back to you and walk away..
Numb, is pain so intense that you no longer feel pain.
When your body shuts down it's responses to agony to protect itself from dying from emotional pain.
You cannot feel numb when another person truly loves you.
If anyone can claim to be numb when another person who loves you accidentally does something hurtful, then they either don't know what they're talking about.. or doesn't love the person in the first place.
When a couple gets into a relationship, they start out with fluffy puppy love in the beginning, but it evolves into a more distinct, supportive love eventually.
Words like,
"You're so beautiful", "You're so sweet", "I want to be with you forever"
evolves to become
"You're always beautiful to me", "*a simple grin*", "Let's do this together".
It no longer becomes an issue with the other party, which always starts out in the beginning that way, and it no longer becomes an issue with yourself, which always slices in halfway in a turning point in the relationship.
It's about how you can complement him. It's about how he can complement you.
Have you seen him cry? Or have you touched his tears?
Have you felt his deepest agony or his darkest fears?
Have you? Can you?
One day, you'll come face to face with this, and can you still innocently give that puppy love that falls to nothing in the face of true sadness?
If you love someone, then understand that it takes more then talking on the phone, going out with him or her everyday, or spending money on them.
One day, it'll just all fall to nothing. And then you'll realize what numbness is really like.
I love his smile.
I love his witty statements.
I love his big broad grins.
I love his hugs from behind.
I love his hugs from the front.
I love his spikey hair.
I love his puppy eyes.
I love his grumpiness.
I love his frowns.
I love his bared teeth.
I love his furrowed eyebrows.
I love his sadness.
I love his sniffles.
I love his tears.
They are all what make Alvin, Alvin. The Alvin I love so much...
We may argue, make spiteful comments at each other, or even fight... but it's what makes us treasure each other more when we're not.
I love him..
always did....
Thursday, September 18, 2008
FUCK.
Arrgh...
Chinups - 12
Standing Broad Jump - 240
Situps - 40
Shuttle Run : 10.06 seconds
TOTAL : 20 points, all "A"
... I had to sprain my leg during the uphill climb of the 2.4 km route to FAIL my 2.4 km run.
like wtf?
no. in fact everybody was like going. WTF?
KNNBCCB.
Now I have to wait an additional 3 months before my promotion.
WTF?
CB lah. This is like a fucking sway week for me.
Chinups - 12
Standing Broad Jump - 240
Situps - 40
Shuttle Run : 10.06 seconds
TOTAL : 20 points, all "A"
... I had to sprain my leg during the uphill climb of the 2.4 km route to FAIL my 2.4 km run.
like wtf?
no. in fact everybody was like going. WTF?
KNNBCCB.
Now I have to wait an additional 3 months before my promotion.
WTF?
CB lah. This is like a fucking sway week for me.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Repealing the Hatchet.
Lots of people have asked me about my opinion on homosexuality, me being a christian extremist, and me being gay as well.
Do I think it's right? - No.
Do I think it's wrong? - No.
I just think that it's a phenomenon in human beings that human beings are inherently imperfect. That out of every few hundreds being born everyday, one turns out different.
Do we isolate albinos?
Do we isolate children born with cerebal palsy?
Not that I'm comparing the gay community with defects, but rather, morality and religion dictates what makes us "perfect" or "imperfect".
If God says that homosexuality is a sin, then it is a sin. But so is smoking, gambling, pre-marital sex, stealing and even masturbation a sin.
Society criminalize what it wants to criminalize then releases "sin" into the general populace.
Is it fair? Why does section 377A exist, when people can openly gamble in Singapore?
If the government is indeed doing this for the Christian (majority) populace, then why not ban all the others as well?
While to some it may seem that it's a difference of issue, to those that are affected, it's outright hypocrisy.
I struggle with 3 things in my Christian walk, to the point of crippling.
1) Reconciling the fact that "God" is a "Loving" God, and yet condemns what I can't help doing.
2) That Homosexuality stand out as a "greater sin" in the Christian community then any other issue put altogether. (Even the bid to stop the building of the integrated resort didn't go through).
3) That the entire world is poise on the brink of being antichristian because of the fact that Encompassing Love and Condemnation are contradictory, and Christianity and Condemnation seem to be walking hand-in-hand with each other.
The worst part? - The three points above are undisputedly happening within Christian community in Singapore.
I'm gay.
Christians look at me with skepticism and cynicism, because I claim to love God, and yet I do things that are contradictory to His Word.
Non-Christians look at me with bewilderment because they wonder why I still cling on so tightly to a God that "hates" me and a community that loathes me even more.
Funny thing is, I'm yet to face direct condemnation from my christian peers and leaders, yet I can tell that they approach that topic with extra caution when talking about it in front of me.
Gone are the times when gays had to hide in the shadow, away from the sun, away from the mobbing populace.
We can't change ourselves, and it's ridiculous to even think that we can.
Trying will only cause us to end up hurting the opposite sex and ourselves.
Why love when unrequited love is like a million daggers that pierces the soul?
Singapore has already been classified as a closed, conservative country, the babylon of the gay community, and the capital of intolerance in South East Asia.
Do I care? No.
I love Singapore the way it is now. And for all what people say, I'm still gay. And I'm still a Christian.
Don't you think that repealing it takes away the stinging kind of ironic fun you have?
It only makes me more self-assured that I am indeed unique, and all of you are different.
It's understandable that you all can't understand.
But I don't care.
Just be the same. =)
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Random stuffs of boredom
okie. the song on my blog currently may sound quite old, but it was one of my most favorite songs when I was alot younger...
ok. like 5 years younger.
The lyrics is just really meaningful... But you have to watch the show first before you'd understand..
It's about a guy who is colored blind, and the only way he could add color to his world was through dancing, till a girl came along in his life...
but both of them were just not meant to be together...
=/
ok.. emo-ing...
bah. I was in the gym this morning doing cross-training, when I accidentally stepped on a body-fat analyzer.
OMG. STAGMONT CAMP HAS A BODY FAT ANALYZER!
*cough*
ok.. I didn't accidentally step on the body-fat analyzer, I deliberately did it...
and it measured... 16.8%.
wtf. There is NO decrease in body fat since 731,176,527,901 years ago!!
I've been in this percentage since god-knows-when!!
and I've only gotten heavier!!
i'm currently a solid 63 kg.
can't seem to get rid of those stubborn layers of fat... ARRGH.
ok. like 5 years younger.
The lyrics is just really meaningful... But you have to watch the show first before you'd understand..
It's about a guy who is colored blind, and the only way he could add color to his world was through dancing, till a girl came along in his life...
but both of them were just not meant to be together...
=/
ok.. emo-ing...
bah. I was in the gym this morning doing cross-training, when I accidentally stepped on a body-fat analyzer.
OMG. STAGMONT CAMP HAS A BODY FAT ANALYZER!
*cough*
ok.. I didn't accidentally step on the body-fat analyzer, I deliberately did it...
and it measured... 16.8%.
wtf. There is NO decrease in body fat since 731,176,527,901 years ago!!
I've been in this percentage since god-knows-when!!
and I've only gotten heavier!!
i'm currently a solid 63 kg.
can't seem to get rid of those stubborn layers of fat... ARRGH.
Friday, September 05, 2008
The Diet Myth
In the classic starvation study (the Minnesota Semi-Starvation study) men were dieted for 6 solid months reaching 4-5% body fat at the end of the study. Then they were refed and body composition was tracked. By the theory being advocated, they should have gained lots of LBM and little fat during refeeding, they were clearly super lean to start out with. But this is absolutely not what happened.
As would be expected based on the metabolic adaptations to dieting, their bodies were mainly primed to replenish fat stores. Reductions in metabolic rate, fat oxidation and thermogenesis all contributed to a preferential gain of body fat and these systems didn’t reset themselves until all of the body fat lost had been regained (8). Quite in fact, signals from body fat (i.e. leptin and the rest) are the mechanism behind this physiology (9).
8) Dulloo AG et. al. Autoregulation of body composition during weight recovery in human: the Minnesota Experiment revisited. nt J Obes Relat Metab Disord. 1996 May;20(5):393-405.
9) Dulloo AG, Jacquet J. Adaptive reduction in basal metabolic rate in response to food deprivation in humans: a role for feedback signals from fat stores. Am J Clin Nutr. 1998 Sep;68(3):599-606.
note: Andrew DOES NOT advocate dieting, but rather, healthy eating. If you eat air for breakfast, lunch and dinner, you're doing to expect airy results.
Quote of the Day - Life is too short to tolerate bad food.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Paradigm Shift
Last Sunday, I was brooding to my friend that I have a long, long break before my NTU course will start...
Since the courses start in August, and I ORD in September,I have a almost 11 months of nothingness before my degree program starts...
So I was like considering some major options that I can foresee myself doing during the almost-year-long-break :
1) Rejoin STOMP to be a Temp Video Producer -
That is a pretty good option, if not for the fact that I still feel so guilty for leaving the company when they needed me really badly. Even though it was for an important reason, I wonder if I'd still have the guts to ask if they have a vacancy for me..
2) Work at a Dermatologist as an apprentice or helper -
Wow. Now that is a positive step towards my final goal ain't it? Problem is, it's not going to help my financial woes during the long, dry period. It's really interesting, but I highly doubt my parents will fund my piggy bank.
3) Teach Piano to kids
I think this is the most flexible, potentially profitable and least time consuming job among the three... only one small problem.. WHO WANTS TO LEARN PIANO? I'd really suck at teaching classical piano because I hate it so much myself... but it's still important as it provides the fundamental grounding...
I can teach them stuff like "November's Chopin" or "The Secret" or even "Canon in D", but they'd be struggling in deep water because they havn't learn how to even save themselves...
... so while I was demanting myself with these considerations, somebody quipped, "Why don't you become a personal fitness trainer?"
I think it just killed 2 birds with one stone...
no. more then that. it killed like the entire flock.
It would solve my goal of being in the paragon of fitness, allow me to learn resistance, isolation, anaerobic and aerobic programs professionally, and more importantly, achieve my consistent ultimate goal of wanting to make people look good.
and again, no. I don't believe that making people look good is to make yourself look bad.
(in response to Seamus' demoralizing comment. lolz)
Hmm...
To top it off, I'm a quite a health nut as well.
Haha... I think if I ever achieved it, lots of my old acquaintances will probably keel in a dead faint.
Well, there are a few routes that I can choose, all require funding, but I think I can pay for at least 75%... hopefully my parents can quip the rest..
Preperation
* Mandatary : Cardio Pulmanary Certification SSC
* Mandatary : SSC Fitness Instructor Course
From there -
The Professional Route
i. NIE's Physical and Sport's Science course
iia. Diploma in Sport's Nutrition
iib. Diploma in Physiology
from there
iii. American Fitness Trainer Certification
iv. SSC Creditation
v. SBBF : Singapore BodyBuilding Federation Accreditation
vi. Holistic I : Sports Massage and Post-Trauma recovery (Diploma)
vii. Holistic II : Tui-Na and Chinese Physiotherapy (Diploma)
viii. Holistic III : Holistic Treatments for Sports Injuries
Final Stage : Degree in Sports Medicine
or
The Easy Route
i. SSC creditation
ii. Diploma in Sports Nutrition
iiia Portfolio 1 : Weight Management and Diet
iiib Portfolio 2 : Competitive Bodybuilding
iv. Application for SBBF Accreditation (if possible)
v. AMFTB part-time certification
Final Stage : I have no idea.
Sounds difficult huh... but the thing is these course and programs can overlap each other simultaneously..
so if I'm hardworking enough, I should be able to get a decent set before I reach 30 years old.
interesting huh?
haha...
I wonder if I would even be able to achieve it...
It sounds pretty interesting to me... but I've gotta study deeper into it...
=)
I feel my goals shifting.
*evil laugh*
Since the courses start in August, and I ORD in September,I have a almost 11 months of nothingness before my degree program starts...
So I was like considering some major options that I can foresee myself doing during the almost-year-long-break :
1) Rejoin STOMP to be a Temp Video Producer -
That is a pretty good option, if not for the fact that I still feel so guilty for leaving the company when they needed me really badly. Even though it was for an important reason, I wonder if I'd still have the guts to ask if they have a vacancy for me..
2) Work at a Dermatologist as an apprentice or helper -
Wow. Now that is a positive step towards my final goal ain't it? Problem is, it's not going to help my financial woes during the long, dry period. It's really interesting, but I highly doubt my parents will fund my piggy bank.
3) Teach Piano to kids
I think this is the most flexible, potentially profitable and least time consuming job among the three... only one small problem.. WHO WANTS TO LEARN PIANO? I'd really suck at teaching classical piano because I hate it so much myself... but it's still important as it provides the fundamental grounding...
I can teach them stuff like "November's Chopin" or "The Secret" or even "Canon in D", but they'd be struggling in deep water because they havn't learn how to even save themselves...
... so while I was demanting myself with these considerations, somebody quipped, "Why don't you become a personal fitness trainer?"
I think it just killed 2 birds with one stone...
no. more then that. it killed like the entire flock.
It would solve my goal of being in the paragon of fitness, allow me to learn resistance, isolation, anaerobic and aerobic programs professionally, and more importantly, achieve my consistent ultimate goal of wanting to make people look good.
and again, no. I don't believe that making people look good is to make yourself look bad.
(in response to Seamus' demoralizing comment. lolz)
Hmm...
To top it off, I'm a quite a health nut as well.
Haha... I think if I ever achieved it, lots of my old acquaintances will probably keel in a dead faint.
Well, there are a few routes that I can choose, all require funding, but I think I can pay for at least 75%... hopefully my parents can quip the rest..
Preperation
* Mandatary : Cardio Pulmanary Certification SSC
* Mandatary : SSC Fitness Instructor Course
From there -
The Professional Route
i. NIE's Physical and Sport's Science course
iia. Diploma in Sport's Nutrition
iib. Diploma in Physiology
from there
iii. American Fitness Trainer Certification
iv. SSC Creditation
v. SBBF : Singapore BodyBuilding Federation Accreditation
vi. Holistic I : Sports Massage and Post-Trauma recovery (Diploma)
vii. Holistic II : Tui-Na and Chinese Physiotherapy (Diploma)
viii. Holistic III : Holistic Treatments for Sports Injuries
Final Stage : Degree in Sports Medicine
or
The Easy Route
i. SSC creditation
ii. Diploma in Sports Nutrition
iiia Portfolio 1 : Weight Management and Diet
iiib Portfolio 2 : Competitive Bodybuilding
iv. Application for SBBF Accreditation (if possible)
v. AMFTB part-time certification
Final Stage : I have no idea.
Sounds difficult huh... but the thing is these course and programs can overlap each other simultaneously..
so if I'm hardworking enough, I should be able to get a decent set before I reach 30 years old.
interesting huh?
haha...
I wonder if I would even be able to achieve it...
It sounds pretty interesting to me... but I've gotta study deeper into it...
=)
I feel my goals shifting.
*evil laugh*
Friday, August 29, 2008
Under Scrutiny
It's been another long period since I last blogged... it's just so difficult to keep track of time especially when there is just so much stuff to be done...
... It's harder, particularly when you know that all your colleagues know your blog and are scrutinizing your every action, hell-bent on finding something to laugh at.
So they know my orientation, they know my past, they know my thoughts now, what would a real friend do if they knew?
For some, it can be just plain gossip-mongering
For others, it can be something to ponder about
For the rest, it can be just plain nonsense.
But I wonder. If someone laid open his history in front of you. Will you still be able to look him in the eye and say that nothing will change?
- I guess not.
At least I have my own section to take care of.. far from the main institute and from the AVA room..
If I have to be a loner again, I'll be. And I can be quite good at it...
=)
There are many lessons I'm learning while serving my vocational period in NS
1) When somebody calls you a "garang soldier", that is an insult
2) When you do a good job for somebody, you'll not be credited for it, you will not be appreciated for it, and to rub salt in, be prepared for twice the workload soon, with double the effort expected.
3) When you do something good, announce it to the entire world. With emails, memoirs, notes, messages, calls, loudspeakers, PA system, radio - whatever means possible. When you do something bad, the gods hear instantly. But when you do something good it's pin-drop silence up there.
You see? Army teaches me alot of life lessons.
Well, Andy may have advertised my entire blog to my department, which may be a good thing to get more hits on my blog anyway.
sigh... I havn't been running much recently. I hardly can get any proper sleep at night, to the point that I'd snooze in camp.
- I don't normally snooze in camp.
Nicholas *(my younger bro) has found himself a girlfriend. TA-DAH. Geez. He spend hours talking to her on the phone till wee early hours in the morning, coz he can afford to.
Nobody bothers to turn off the air-con anymore for some reason, making it extremely cold at night.
[it's a complete hassle for me to turn off the air con, cause I'd have to climb down my ladder, turn off the air con, climb up back to my bed, and then i'll be all irritated and bothered]
Well.. one thing I can say for sure, I've learned that it is never a good thing to talk so much on the phone at the beginning of a relationship, coz it can be a good reason to use for break up later on.
~ ok. for some people it may be a good thing.
but. the common reason "we... we... we just don't talk anymore" *gestures* "there is no more... communication between us anymore don't you see?"
is used so frequently it's becoming cliche.
Alvin and I are also on rocky roads... We're arguing so much nowadays over the smallest matters just because our opinions differs so vastly..
Some things that are just so obvious to me strikes him as illogical, while things that matter to him are closed to me....
... he blames me for being insensitive...
Am I?... I always thought of myself as being oversensitive to the point of bewilderment to some people.
How do I become sensitive when I know what he needs, yet, I'm unable to do anything about it?
I can't stretch time and hold the clock... my schedules are so full it's killing me...
.... He blames it on church... That I spend almost 75% of my weekends in church...
.... He blames it on camp... That I help people out too much at my own expense...
... I can't help it if my time is just stretched so thinly...
it's stretched so thin that it hurts...
I cannot reject church or camp duties... Yet... sigh..
I think I gave him the wrong impression that I'm a very free person coz the 3 months prior to my enlistment was completely free... free to spend 90% of my time with him...
... to wait for him to finish school
... to go out with him almost every other day...
... to talk and play games with him till late...
I just feel like pushing everything away if I ever could...
maybe I should just go like AWOL and quit the band totally..
leave everything and everybody.... and just be alone for awhile...
unrealistic and stable are at opposing ends
secretive and expressive are at opposing ends
boring and imaginative are at opposing ends
stable and vague are at opposing ends
the only thing we have between us that fits is love. isn't it?
prove to me. that love is all it takes...
the world has taken from me that reasoning, and experience tells me otherwise...
.... sigh..
... It's harder, particularly when you know that all your colleagues know your blog and are scrutinizing your every action, hell-bent on finding something to laugh at.
So they know my orientation, they know my past, they know my thoughts now, what would a real friend do if they knew?
For some, it can be just plain gossip-mongering
For others, it can be something to ponder about
For the rest, it can be just plain nonsense.
But I wonder. If someone laid open his history in front of you. Will you still be able to look him in the eye and say that nothing will change?
- I guess not.
At least I have my own section to take care of.. far from the main institute and from the AVA room..
If I have to be a loner again, I'll be. And I can be quite good at it...
=)
There are many lessons I'm learning while serving my vocational period in NS
1) When somebody calls you a "garang soldier", that is an insult
2) When you do a good job for somebody, you'll not be credited for it, you will not be appreciated for it, and to rub salt in, be prepared for twice the workload soon, with double the effort expected.
3) When you do something good, announce it to the entire world. With emails, memoirs, notes, messages, calls, loudspeakers, PA system, radio - whatever means possible. When you do something bad, the gods hear instantly. But when you do something good it's pin-drop silence up there.
You see? Army teaches me alot of life lessons.
Well, Andy may have advertised my entire blog to my department, which may be a good thing to get more hits on my blog anyway.
sigh... I havn't been running much recently. I hardly can get any proper sleep at night, to the point that I'd snooze in camp.
- I don't normally snooze in camp.
Nicholas *(my younger bro) has found himself a girlfriend. TA-DAH. Geez. He spend hours talking to her on the phone till wee early hours in the morning, coz he can afford to.
Nobody bothers to turn off the air-con anymore for some reason, making it extremely cold at night.
[it's a complete hassle for me to turn off the air con, cause I'd have to climb down my ladder, turn off the air con, climb up back to my bed, and then i'll be all irritated and bothered]
Well.. one thing I can say for sure, I've learned that it is never a good thing to talk so much on the phone at the beginning of a relationship, coz it can be a good reason to use for break up later on.
~ ok. for some people it may be a good thing.
but. the common reason "we... we... we just don't talk anymore" *gestures* "there is no more... communication between us anymore don't you see?"
is used so frequently it's becoming cliche.
Alvin and I are also on rocky roads... We're arguing so much nowadays over the smallest matters just because our opinions differs so vastly..
Some things that are just so obvious to me strikes him as illogical, while things that matter to him are closed to me....
... he blames me for being insensitive...
Am I?... I always thought of myself as being oversensitive to the point of bewilderment to some people.
How do I become sensitive when I know what he needs, yet, I'm unable to do anything about it?
I can't stretch time and hold the clock... my schedules are so full it's killing me...
.... He blames it on church... That I spend almost 75% of my weekends in church...
.... He blames it on camp... That I help people out too much at my own expense...
... I can't help it if my time is just stretched so thinly...
it's stretched so thin that it hurts...
I cannot reject church or camp duties... Yet... sigh..
I think I gave him the wrong impression that I'm a very free person coz the 3 months prior to my enlistment was completely free... free to spend 90% of my time with him...
... to wait for him to finish school
... to go out with him almost every other day...
... to talk and play games with him till late...
I just feel like pushing everything away if I ever could...
maybe I should just go like AWOL and quit the band totally..
leave everything and everybody.... and just be alone for awhile...
TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums.. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous.
PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative..May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser.
unrealistic and stable are at opposing ends
secretive and expressive are at opposing ends
boring and imaginative are at opposing ends
stable and vague are at opposing ends
the only thing we have between us that fits is love. isn't it?
prove to me. that love is all it takes...
the world has taken from me that reasoning, and experience tells me otherwise...
.... sigh..
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Infections and Improvements
You know those times when you wake up on a lazy morning, and wish that everything was right in the world, sighing sleepily and staring out dreamily at the ceiling....
then *SMACK*
reality hits you back at the face and you realize you have a freaking long and tedious day ahead of you..
well, yesterday was one of those days...
and, it was one of my rare OFF days that I was forced to take... heh heh...
sigh..
My computer got infected with a superwurm, akin to the VBS.SOLOW wurm, which infects hard drives, except this worm is galaxies apart more powerful... it systematically infects a majority of your startup .dll files, then proceeds to copy itself into all your other hard drives.
Relaying itself as a harmless autorun virus, the moment your antivirus software targets it, it retreats into "Windows system restore", and lodges itself into a permanent, immovable "restore point".
Whoever said restore points were harmless?
Anyway, once it occupies the immortal throne, it proceeds to become malignant. It infects any hard disk that comes in contact with it and makes replicas of itself in the thousands of .dll files on the system32 folder.
Even hard disks with no system options are infected...
Thats why when I reformatted my computer, it was to no effect at all.. I was just toying with a time bomb that was waiting to explode on the slightest touch...
... now all my documents are gone...
... i really don't wanna dwell on it.
I still think that this whole virus thing is a pet project of antivirus companies all over the world to force us to purchase their product and cause us to live under the fist of fear...
... on a lighter note,
I've finally broke through my bench presses, I can now do a minimum of 43 pounds a side, to a maximum of 60+ pounds a side...
Was doing my reps yesterday and realized that curious discovery... usually I'd just like go around my usual static routine... But i accidentally (in my semi-depressed state), switched the two 10 kg plates with two 15 kg plates.
... I barely even noticed *(yes. I was that.... deep in thought).
I'm also starting to switch from my bicep isolation routine to tricep extension routine to compensate for lack of strength from my upper arm flexors, coz I'm having trouble increasing stacks for my seated rows.
(The triceps are the stabilizers for seated rows).
and... I can't add anymore weight to the leg lift machines. I'm like lifting at 200 pounds and the machine won't let me add anymore...
so I'm increasing reps instead of adding weights.
The funny thing is that my quads never seem to add on more mass. I think its because I run too much or I'm doing in wrongly...
But then again, how wrong can you get doing leg lifting?
so there ends my anaerobic routine.
on my aerobic routine... well, I'm running at a consistent 9:58-10:15 for 2.4 km, and having no trouble with 7-10 km running.
I still can't get over the dizziness after running more then 12 km, so I think I'll stick with 10 km only..
On another note, I've been reading an increasing number of articles condemning long-distant running... and they're quite credible.... so I think I'd stick with short distant sprinting instead.
there're like two 2Lts who run with my every Mon, Wed and Fri, and they're freaking zhai lah... I thought I was not bad when I ran 9:58, but those 2 were like sprinting in front of me all the way lah..
And the worse part? They were waiting for me, even had the energy and breath to talk to me and goade me to reach the finishing.
heh. Nice guys.
oh well... my computer repairs is going to bankrupt me for the rest of the month... with a mere service fee of $120, excluding having to buy new hard drives...
arrgh.
and oh. I got that virus thanks to my mum.
yes. my MUM. When I was helping her wash the dishes.
no. I'm kidding. I got it when I was helping her type out her haphazard hospital schedule, which originated from her hospital computer.
how ironic. the hospital cures viruses, but can't cure their own computer viruses.
heh.
then *SMACK*
reality hits you back at the face and you realize you have a freaking long and tedious day ahead of you..
well, yesterday was one of those days...
and, it was one of my rare OFF days that I was forced to take... heh heh...
sigh..
My computer got infected with a superwurm, akin to the VBS.SOLOW wurm, which infects hard drives, except this worm is galaxies apart more powerful... it systematically infects a majority of your startup .dll files, then proceeds to copy itself into all your other hard drives.
Relaying itself as a harmless autorun virus, the moment your antivirus software targets it, it retreats into "Windows system restore", and lodges itself into a permanent, immovable "restore point".
Whoever said restore points were harmless?
Anyway, once it occupies the immortal throne, it proceeds to become malignant. It infects any hard disk that comes in contact with it and makes replicas of itself in the thousands of .dll files on the system32 folder.
Even hard disks with no system options are infected...
Thats why when I reformatted my computer, it was to no effect at all.. I was just toying with a time bomb that was waiting to explode on the slightest touch...
... now all my documents are gone...
... i really don't wanna dwell on it.
I still think that this whole virus thing is a pet project of antivirus companies all over the world to force us to purchase their product and cause us to live under the fist of fear...
... on a lighter note,
I've finally broke through my bench presses, I can now do a minimum of 43 pounds a side, to a maximum of 60+ pounds a side...
Was doing my reps yesterday and realized that curious discovery... usually I'd just like go around my usual static routine... But i accidentally (in my semi-depressed state), switched the two 10 kg plates with two 15 kg plates.
... I barely even noticed *(yes. I was that.... deep in thought).
I'm also starting to switch from my bicep isolation routine to tricep extension routine to compensate for lack of strength from my upper arm flexors, coz I'm having trouble increasing stacks for my seated rows.
(The triceps are the stabilizers for seated rows).
and... I can't add anymore weight to the leg lift machines. I'm like lifting at 200 pounds and the machine won't let me add anymore...
so I'm increasing reps instead of adding weights.
The funny thing is that my quads never seem to add on more mass. I think its because I run too much or I'm doing in wrongly...
But then again, how wrong can you get doing leg lifting?
so there ends my anaerobic routine.
on my aerobic routine... well, I'm running at a consistent 9:58-10:15 for 2.4 km, and having no trouble with 7-10 km running.
I still can't get over the dizziness after running more then 12 km, so I think I'll stick with 10 km only..
On another note, I've been reading an increasing number of articles condemning long-distant running... and they're quite credible.... so I think I'd stick with short distant sprinting instead.
there're like two 2Lts who run with my every Mon, Wed and Fri, and they're freaking zhai lah... I thought I was not bad when I ran 9:58, but those 2 were like sprinting in front of me all the way lah..
And the worse part? They were waiting for me, even had the energy and breath to talk to me and goade me to reach the finishing.
heh. Nice guys.
oh well... my computer repairs is going to bankrupt me for the rest of the month... with a mere service fee of $120, excluding having to buy new hard drives...
arrgh.
and oh. I got that virus thanks to my mum.
yes. my MUM. When I was helping her wash the dishes.
no. I'm kidding. I got it when I was helping her type out her haphazard hospital schedule, which originated from her hospital computer.
how ironic. the hospital cures viruses, but can't cure their own computer viruses.
heh.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Packed Schedules
schedules, schedules, schedules...
deadlines, deadlines, deadlines...
my whole life has been full of schedules, timelines, deadlines and whatever lines...
sigh... in a way, I do like schedules.... a full schedule tells me that I'm maximizing my time to the fullest extent possible..
but what happens when your schedule gets too cramped?
Today - (after work) rush to clementi to collect books, buy present for Haryanto, buy sweets for children
Tuesday - send computer for diagnosis and repair, go gym/swim, meet dear, buy present for mum, meet mum for birthday dinner
Wednesday - (after work) flag duty, meet Simon to wrap presents for kids (I think)
Thursday - (after work) AVA duty till 2230
Friday - medical appointment at SGH at 1100, back to camp, relay duties, grab haryanto for birthday celebration
Saturday - youth band practice, main band practice, Clara's recording
Sunday - Church, Gym/Meet dear
I could feel worse.... this week is like a super hectic week... And worst of all, my handphone is unable to send messages and my computer is down...
crap..
total crap...
next week my friend wants me to go lean Muay Thai with him, and i have my advance driving theory examination...
stress?
totally.
heh... just hope i don't fall sick or something....
deadlines, deadlines, deadlines...
my whole life has been full of schedules, timelines, deadlines and whatever lines...
sigh... in a way, I do like schedules.... a full schedule tells me that I'm maximizing my time to the fullest extent possible..
but what happens when your schedule gets too cramped?
Today - (after work) rush to clementi to collect books, buy present for Haryanto, buy sweets for children
Tuesday - send computer for diagnosis and repair, go gym/swim, meet dear, buy present for mum, meet mum for birthday dinner
Wednesday - (after work) flag duty, meet Simon to wrap presents for kids (I think)
Thursday - (after work) AVA duty till 2230
Friday - medical appointment at SGH at 1100, back to camp, relay duties, grab haryanto for birthday celebration
Saturday - youth band practice, main band practice, Clara's recording
Sunday - Church, Gym/Meet dear
I could feel worse.... this week is like a super hectic week... And worst of all, my handphone is unable to send messages and my computer is down...
crap..
total crap...
next week my friend wants me to go lean Muay Thai with him, and i have my advance driving theory examination...
stress?
totally.
heh... just hope i don't fall sick or something....
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Terrible Craving
Have you ever had a craving for something REALLY REALLY sinful?
LIKE THIS???
it's like OMGWTFKNNBCCBNNBNH beautifully sinful huh?
Juicy beef patties
Deep fried onion mountain
Mozzarella cheese heap
Long strips of tender bacon
Deep fried egg (Her Bao Dan style)
Butterhead Lettuce
Tomato
all sandwiched between 2 toasted burger buns!!
i think the calories is astronomical, but omg, the taste is super heavenly...
ARRGH.
UBER CRAVING!!
ARRGH!!
*wacks stomach*
*wacks stomach*
*think of the fats and oils*
*think of the juicy.. eh.. no. unhealthy beef*
ARRGH!!
NOOOOOOOO....
to make things worse, its about the same price as Carl's Junior!!
*cries*
why...why are humans able to create such awfully sinful object of absolute damnation??
anyway, happy 17th month anniversary dear.... *hugs tight*
Thanks for bringing me to such a nice place for dinner..
*grins*
P.S. If you're wondering where is that burger from, I'm not going to tell you, because as it is, the queue is already long enough. I don't wanna make things worse... for myself that is.
heh heh heh...
LIKE THIS???
it's like OMGWTFKNNBCCBNNBNH beautifully sinful huh?
Juicy beef patties
Deep fried onion mountain
Mozzarella cheese heap
Long strips of tender bacon
Deep fried egg (Her Bao Dan style)
Butterhead Lettuce
Tomato
all sandwiched between 2 toasted burger buns!!
i think the calories is astronomical, but omg, the taste is super heavenly...
ARRGH.
UBER CRAVING!!
ARRGH!!
*wacks stomach*
*wacks stomach*
*think of the fats and oils*
*think of the juicy.. eh.. no. unhealthy beef*
ARRGH!!
NOOOOOOOO....
to make things worse, its about the same price as Carl's Junior!!
*cries*
why...why are humans able to create such awfully sinful object of absolute damnation??
anyway, happy 17th month anniversary dear.... *hugs tight*
Thanks for bringing me to such a nice place for dinner..
*grins*
P.S. If you're wondering where is that burger from, I'm not going to tell you, because as it is, the queue is already long enough. I don't wanna make things worse... for myself that is.
heh heh heh...
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Scathing Memories - Memoirs from BMT
I still remember clearly the beginning of the end of my resolve to be an officer for the SAF...
It was a long day. Waking up at 4:45 am in the morning had become such a daily routine for me that I woke up even before my alarm rang. Which of course inevitably wakes up the whole contingent of birds camping outside our window sill.
I still wanted to be an officer. Was it mere foolish resolve or something deeper that prompted me to believe that everything was walking my way?
My first field camp. So far, I thought that the worst would only be the terrible 8 km (it was alot for me then) full-pack fast march to the campsite.
It only took moment for us to change into our No. 4. We knew it inside out (literally), and a harassed soldier can do things at amazing speeds.
"5 minutes to change and get your fucking butts down!!"
my platoon officer hardly uses vulgarities, thus the F* word jolted us to fly down the stairs.
I also learned that jumping down the stairs 5 steps at a time with a full field pack on is extremely dangerous for your legs.
Once assembled, a withering glance by the platoon sergeant at a soldier who didn't polish his shoe sent half the platoon flying up the stairs again just to polish our shoes.
We are soldiers. We were expected to follow every single rule religiously and portray an image of martial discipline.
- We were expected to be bloodthirsty as well.
Thus that field camp began.
I dreamed of having that bar. When my parents would... just smile at me with approval. I wanted to prove to myself. To everybody that it wasn't what made you, but who you made yourself.
I dreamed and I dreamt.
The weather was horrible. I couldn't imagine a worst weather for a route march. The monsoon season was at it's height and the worst part wasn't the rain, but the sheer humidity. Within a few minutes, everybody was soaking wet with sweat.
To top it up, the moment we left the cement track (which was only a short distance), the muddy track loomed ahead of us - full of portholes.
I learned that portholes are nasty. But they're nastier when they're covered with a layer of water.
You go like "We-are-oh-ah-infan-*GLOOP*" , "FUCK!!!".
...and your No.4 has been gloopified even before setting up camp. In fact, your beautiful No.4 has became somewhat similar to the desert outfit that the US Army wears.
Trudging through the sand became a daily affair after that. We never laughed at anybody else except ourselves when we stepped into portholes...
When we reached the campsite, I seriously thought we took a wrong turn somewhere. It didn't look like we could set up camp anywhere. Sure, there were some patches of soil with sparse vegetation; but other then that, it was Tarzan!
Long grass, amputated tree trunks, roots, and the worst part was the soil! It was so drenched with water that driving a tent peg through it was like building a skyscraper in the sea.
Finally after digging and scraping till we found dry soil, my buddy and I managed to peg and set up our tent - only to find out we were like 10 cm away from the formation line.
We had to destroy our tents and remake it again in 10 minutes.
and of course, with an additional 50-pumpings-face-down-in-the-mud kind.
Life as an officer? I was thinking that life in hell could fare much better...
Make it or break it.
That was what I was told. The field camp was supposed to separate the chaff from the wheat; the dirt from the gold...
Life was hell. We had to wrap our stuff before leaving our tent (because "wild boars" would come and steal our foodstuff). And it was a nightmare to crawl in the mud to tie up our tents cos it would just mean that the 20 seconds that our sergeant gave us to "GET YOUR FUCKING E-T BLADE AND STICK AND PARADE THEM IN FRONT OF ME NOW!" was virtually impossible.
... not tying up our stuff in ground sheets incurred worse results. Shoes and sandals got mysteriously stolen, and occasionally, somebody would get a severe punishment for losing an LBV (light battle vest) item.
Army was meant to harden me. I believed that it was good for me. That I needed the regimentation.. the discipline... I wondered how long it would take, before I broke...
Night fell.
As all light went out, I felt despair like no other... I've never ever experienced such persistent inky darkness like no other!
It was so dark it felt like a solid wall was in front of you. You couldn't see ANYTHING at all! Your savior was the useless torchlight that SAF gave you...
The battery lifespan of the torch was about 3 hours, and then its just you and Mr. Inky. I was frightened... We were not allowed to use the torch most of the time, and when we could, it was through a tiny microscopic slit that allowed a sliver of light to seep through.
.. but the effect was tremendous. That tiny "sliver" of light was visible from over two thousand meters away!
I felt sick to my stomach. I never knew if the next step I took would be into a porthole or a massive ant nest.
*one of my platoon mates stepped into a gigantic red-ants nest, and the effect was nightmarish....
... then the moment came. In a mere 30 minutes, my entire resolve broke...
For honor and glory. It seemed so easy. Just strive to be the best? That's what I've always done.
My rifle sling's buckle broke.
It was already so rusty, and it would have to give way sooner or later.
But I wish, I wish that it did not give way then...
My whole rifle slipped and into the darkness.
I groped around blindly, trying to find my rifle, my buckle and the rogue sling.
When I finally found all three objects, I laid my rifle against the tree while I tried my best to tape up my horribly broken buckle.
After a massive waste of tape, I managed to repair the sling to a reasonable extent....
I reached for my rifle.
I only felt bark.
My throat felt like bark.
I can't believe that it happened to me...
I groped around the grass like a madman. I couldn't believe that my rifle got "stunned" just for repairing my broken buckle!....
The punishment for losing your rifle... I don't think I need to reiterate how severe that offense is...
I didnt dare to leave my place, so I kept shouting for help... and my platoon officer came to my "rescue"...
He was carrying two rifles with him...
My heart immediately jumped, but went the repercussion set in, my heart sank even further then before...
"Recruit. What is your rifle number?"
"... B217"
"I don't have it. What is it again?"
"(shouted) B217!!"
"Is it? I don't see anything like that written on this lost gun"
... my eyes were already starting to tear..
"Sir, I'm sorry sir! I promise that it won't ever happen again!"
... the ludicrity of the entire situation kept striking me again and again. Should I even be apologizing to the person who blatantly STOLE my gun, just because I left in resting against a tree to repair my buckle?
"YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING WIFE! YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE? I SEE A-N-D-R-E-W-'-S W-I-F-E!!! YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING WIFE AND I HAVE IT!!
Recruit. Do you know what is the punishment for losing your wife?"
above everything, I saw that I would've most likely lost my chance of ever going to officer cadet school.
His eyes just radiated one message... "disappointment"
... my eyes just reflected his; tears couldn't be kept long..
"I'm sorry sir, I will accept any punishment you give me."
"Your parents entrusted you to SAF, for you to become a man, not a wussy, so stop being a baby and give me 50 push ups."
"Yes sir!"
(proceed to do push ups)
"Your parents will be so disappointed in you"
"Yes sir!"
"You have siblings?"
"Yes sir!"
"They will be so disappointed in you."
"Yes sir!"
"What do you want to achieve in the army?"
"I want to be an officer sir!"
"You can't pass your IPPT, you lose you gun, you shout in the middle of a tactical night operation, you think you know what responsibilities an officer hold?"
"My brother is an officer, so I think I know a bit sir!"
"Your brother is an officer? Then you should know also that OCS is a hundred times worse then this.
... You'll never be an officer."
... I think that was when I broke.
I screamed so loud that I thought the rest of the company would come running.
they didnt.
I hated him.
I hated him for shattering my dreams.
I hated him for looking down on me.
I hated him for thinking himself a god...
"If you want to be an officer, you'll have to do alot more. As far as I can see, you're not going to be one.
... come and get your rifle from me when this operation is over. You'll serve SOL for 7 days. Then you'll write a report.
You're the first person in this field camp to lose your gun. You better pray you're not the only one."
He turned off the field light and walked away.
The darkness drowned me...
I broke down...
I guess my resolve is weak.
but trust me. To break my own resolve only could come from a greater resolve.
I vowed that I will prove that I don't need to be an officer to be better.
I'll lead my life in army, so relaxed that officer cadet school will become completely irrelevent.
... field camp ended.
... my dreams ended.
what's the big deal about being an officer?
... i really don't know.
I don't think I want to associate myself with such a screwed up association. I hate the SAF. The memories it gave me will scar my life forever, but one thing I'd always remember...
"As far as I can see, you're not going to be one."
As far as I can see, I can not be one, but I can be far better then you.
...
It may be a taunt, for me to follow up. But I guess it backfired.
Put the blame on using it on a weak willed person like me.
... I hate the SAF.
It was a long day. Waking up at 4:45 am in the morning had become such a daily routine for me that I woke up even before my alarm rang. Which of course inevitably wakes up the whole contingent of birds camping outside our window sill.
I still wanted to be an officer. Was it mere foolish resolve or something deeper that prompted me to believe that everything was walking my way?
My first field camp. So far, I thought that the worst would only be the terrible 8 km (it was alot for me then) full-pack fast march to the campsite.
It only took moment for us to change into our No. 4. We knew it inside out (literally), and a harassed soldier can do things at amazing speeds.
"5 minutes to change and get your fucking butts down!!"
my platoon officer hardly uses vulgarities, thus the F* word jolted us to fly down the stairs.
I also learned that jumping down the stairs 5 steps at a time with a full field pack on is extremely dangerous for your legs.
Once assembled, a withering glance by the platoon sergeant at a soldier who didn't polish his shoe sent half the platoon flying up the stairs again just to polish our shoes.
We are soldiers. We were expected to follow every single rule religiously and portray an image of martial discipline.
- We were expected to be bloodthirsty as well.
Thus that field camp began.
I dreamed of having that bar. When my parents would... just smile at me with approval. I wanted to prove to myself. To everybody that it wasn't what made you, but who you made yourself.
I dreamed and I dreamt.
The weather was horrible. I couldn't imagine a worst weather for a route march. The monsoon season was at it's height and the worst part wasn't the rain, but the sheer humidity. Within a few minutes, everybody was soaking wet with sweat.
To top it up, the moment we left the cement track (which was only a short distance), the muddy track loomed ahead of us - full of portholes.
I learned that portholes are nasty. But they're nastier when they're covered with a layer of water.
You go like "We-are-oh-ah-infan-*GLOOP*" , "FUCK!!!".
...and your No.4 has been gloopified even before setting up camp. In fact, your beautiful No.4 has became somewhat similar to the desert outfit that the US Army wears.
Trudging through the sand became a daily affair after that. We never laughed at anybody else except ourselves when we stepped into portholes...
When we reached the campsite, I seriously thought we took a wrong turn somewhere. It didn't look like we could set up camp anywhere. Sure, there were some patches of soil with sparse vegetation; but other then that, it was Tarzan!
Long grass, amputated tree trunks, roots, and the worst part was the soil! It was so drenched with water that driving a tent peg through it was like building a skyscraper in the sea.
Finally after digging and scraping till we found dry soil, my buddy and I managed to peg and set up our tent - only to find out we were like 10 cm away from the formation line.
We had to destroy our tents and remake it again in 10 minutes.
and of course, with an additional 50-pumpings-face-down-in-the-mud kind.
Life as an officer? I was thinking that life in hell could fare much better...
Make it or break it.
That was what I was told. The field camp was supposed to separate the chaff from the wheat; the dirt from the gold...
Life was hell. We had to wrap our stuff before leaving our tent (because "wild boars" would come and steal our foodstuff). And it was a nightmare to crawl in the mud to tie up our tents cos it would just mean that the 20 seconds that our sergeant gave us to "GET YOUR FUCKING E-T BLADE AND STICK AND PARADE THEM IN FRONT OF ME NOW!" was virtually impossible.
... not tying up our stuff in ground sheets incurred worse results. Shoes and sandals got mysteriously stolen, and occasionally, somebody would get a severe punishment for losing an LBV (light battle vest) item.
Army was meant to harden me. I believed that it was good for me. That I needed the regimentation.. the discipline... I wondered how long it would take, before I broke...
Night fell.
As all light went out, I felt despair like no other... I've never ever experienced such persistent inky darkness like no other!
It was so dark it felt like a solid wall was in front of you. You couldn't see ANYTHING at all! Your savior was the useless torchlight that SAF gave you...
The battery lifespan of the torch was about 3 hours, and then its just you and Mr. Inky. I was frightened... We were not allowed to use the torch most of the time, and when we could, it was through a tiny microscopic slit that allowed a sliver of light to seep through.
.. but the effect was tremendous. That tiny "sliver" of light was visible from over two thousand meters away!
I felt sick to my stomach. I never knew if the next step I took would be into a porthole or a massive ant nest.
*one of my platoon mates stepped into a gigantic red-ants nest, and the effect was nightmarish....
... then the moment came. In a mere 30 minutes, my entire resolve broke...
For honor and glory. It seemed so easy. Just strive to be the best? That's what I've always done.
My rifle sling's buckle broke.
It was already so rusty, and it would have to give way sooner or later.
But I wish, I wish that it did not give way then...
My whole rifle slipped and into the darkness.
I groped around blindly, trying to find my rifle, my buckle and the rogue sling.
When I finally found all three objects, I laid my rifle against the tree while I tried my best to tape up my horribly broken buckle.
After a massive waste of tape, I managed to repair the sling to a reasonable extent....
I reached for my rifle.
I only felt bark.
My throat felt like bark.
I can't believe that it happened to me...
I groped around the grass like a madman. I couldn't believe that my rifle got "stunned" just for repairing my broken buckle!....
The punishment for losing your rifle... I don't think I need to reiterate how severe that offense is...
I didnt dare to leave my place, so I kept shouting for help... and my platoon officer came to my "rescue"...
He was carrying two rifles with him...
My heart immediately jumped, but went the repercussion set in, my heart sank even further then before...
"Recruit. What is your rifle number?"
"... B217"
"I don't have it. What is it again?"
"(shouted) B217!!"
"Is it? I don't see anything like that written on this lost gun"
... my eyes were already starting to tear..
"Sir, I'm sorry sir! I promise that it won't ever happen again!"
... the ludicrity of the entire situation kept striking me again and again. Should I even be apologizing to the person who blatantly STOLE my gun, just because I left in resting against a tree to repair my buckle?
"YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING WIFE! YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE? I SEE A-N-D-R-E-W-'-S W-I-F-E!!! YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING WIFE AND I HAVE IT!!
Recruit. Do you know what is the punishment for losing your wife?"
above everything, I saw that I would've most likely lost my chance of ever going to officer cadet school.
His eyes just radiated one message... "disappointment"
... my eyes just reflected his; tears couldn't be kept long..
"I'm sorry sir, I will accept any punishment you give me."
"Your parents entrusted you to SAF, for you to become a man, not a wussy, so stop being a baby and give me 50 push ups."
"Yes sir!"
(proceed to do push ups)
"Your parents will be so disappointed in you"
"Yes sir!"
"You have siblings?"
"Yes sir!"
"They will be so disappointed in you."
"Yes sir!"
"What do you want to achieve in the army?"
"I want to be an officer sir!"
"You can't pass your IPPT, you lose you gun, you shout in the middle of a tactical night operation, you think you know what responsibilities an officer hold?"
"My brother is an officer, so I think I know a bit sir!"
"Your brother is an officer? Then you should know also that OCS is a hundred times worse then this.
... You'll never be an officer."
... I think that was when I broke.
I screamed so loud that I thought the rest of the company would come running.
they didnt.
I hated him.
I hated him for shattering my dreams.
I hated him for looking down on me.
I hated him for thinking himself a god...
"If you want to be an officer, you'll have to do alot more. As far as I can see, you're not going to be one.
... come and get your rifle from me when this operation is over. You'll serve SOL for 7 days. Then you'll write a report.
You're the first person in this field camp to lose your gun. You better pray you're not the only one."
He turned off the field light and walked away.
The darkness drowned me...
I broke down...
I guess my resolve is weak.
but trust me. To break my own resolve only could come from a greater resolve.
I vowed that I will prove that I don't need to be an officer to be better.
I'll lead my life in army, so relaxed that officer cadet school will become completely irrelevent.
... field camp ended.
... my dreams ended.
what's the big deal about being an officer?
... i really don't know.
I don't think I want to associate myself with such a screwed up association. I hate the SAF. The memories it gave me will scar my life forever, but one thing I'd always remember...
"As far as I can see, you're not going to be one."
As far as I can see, I can not be one, but I can be far better then you.
...
It may be a taunt, for me to follow up. But I guess it backfired.
Put the blame on using it on a weak willed person like me.
... I hate the SAF.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Gone Case
Life is beautiful... supposedly.. supposedly how you make of whatever you have...
I almost broke up with him last night... my heart was on the verge of breaking into a million pieces... again...
I can only blame myself I guess, because almost everything is because of me...
but what can I do?...
... sigh...
I just feel like giving up everything sometimes... my whole heart is so numb I don't think I'd flinch if somebody stabbed it with a blunt knife...
Everybody just expects so much of me... my parents, my colleagues, my boss, my friends... I always thought that the term "put in your best for everything" was meant to make your life easier...
but it has never been the case..
Put your best in everything and you only get more shit thrown back at you...
People expect you to do more, for less..
People expect you to be available for everything
People expect you to take up even more grueling assignments
People expect you to take responsibility...
seriously, what do you get back in return? nothing much. Nothing even worth mentioning...
Its late, but I'm starting to learn that if you say "yes" to everything, you'd end up living a life worse then hell... coz everybody will just throw to you what they don't want to do.
it has never been worth it, and will never be worth it...
but it's just so hard to say no...
and each time you say no, your relationship with that person becomes greatly strained.. because all along, you've be playing his game, and when suddenly you throw him a no, he becomes disoriented and angry...
I really don't know..
I'm sick of responsibility.
I'm sick of people assuming that I'm free.
I'm sick of not having ANY time for myself.
I'm sick I'm sick I'm sick..
I'm sick of everything.........
*cries*
I almost broke up with him last night... my heart was on the verge of breaking into a million pieces... again...
I can only blame myself I guess, because almost everything is because of me...
but what can I do?...
... sigh...
I just feel like giving up everything sometimes... my whole heart is so numb I don't think I'd flinch if somebody stabbed it with a blunt knife...
Everybody just expects so much of me... my parents, my colleagues, my boss, my friends... I always thought that the term "put in your best for everything" was meant to make your life easier...
but it has never been the case..
Put your best in everything and you only get more shit thrown back at you...
People expect you to do more, for less..
People expect you to be available for everything
People expect you to take up even more grueling assignments
People expect you to take responsibility...
seriously, what do you get back in return? nothing much. Nothing even worth mentioning...
Its late, but I'm starting to learn that if you say "yes" to everything, you'd end up living a life worse then hell... coz everybody will just throw to you what they don't want to do.
it has never been worth it, and will never be worth it...
but it's just so hard to say no...
and each time you say no, your relationship with that person becomes greatly strained.. because all along, you've be playing his game, and when suddenly you throw him a no, he becomes disoriented and angry...
I really don't know..
I'm sick of responsibility.
I'm sick of people assuming that I'm free.
I'm sick of not having ANY time for myself.
I'm sick I'm sick I'm sick..
I'm sick of everything.........
*cries*
Monday, July 14, 2008
No Regrets
sigh... i guess there comes a time when you lose interest in recording your particularly boring life...
especially in NS, when you can't write about anything.. not that there is anything interesting to write about in the first place..
so many people keep asking me, "Do you ever regret not taking the path of being an officer?"
.. after all, I had a solid chance of being one...
My answer is yes, and no.
There are certain things in life that one can never be fully certain about, such as how life could go awry, and twist to something you couldn't even tolerate in your most terrible nightmare...
National Service taught me many lessons, but I plan to throw most of them away, and keep only a few...
i. You can never be too sure about how good something is, until you've experienced it yourself
ii. Leadership isn't about commanding. It isn't about respect. It isn't about pummelling others to do your commands.
iii. Acting is everything... almost.
do I wish to be an officer?
Yes. Knowing that I can make a difference, it gnaws at me when I see the inefficiency playing itself out.
However, dare I say that I would not become one of those puppets if I became one?
no.
I have said it many times, and I stand by my word. THERE IS NOT A SINGLE PERSON WHO CAN ENTER THE SAF AND REMAIN THE SAME.
for better, or for worse.
Do I like my life now?
HELL YEAH.
Book out daily
No guard duties
No staying in
No officers around me
No warrant officers around me
Nice little place to take care of
Friends from all walks of life
Free food
Free transport
...
I mean... it's really a dream job.
It just bugs me, when I see my friends who complain that they never had the chance to go to OCS...
do they understand what they're saying?
and it bugs me, when I could have gone there myself...
especially in NS, when you can't write about anything.. not that there is anything interesting to write about in the first place..
so many people keep asking me, "Do you ever regret not taking the path of being an officer?"
.. after all, I had a solid chance of being one...
My answer is yes, and no.
There are certain things in life that one can never be fully certain about, such as how life could go awry, and twist to something you couldn't even tolerate in your most terrible nightmare...
National Service taught me many lessons, but I plan to throw most of them away, and keep only a few...
i. You can never be too sure about how good something is, until you've experienced it yourself
No one can say that "Oh. I understand exactly what you're going through, so I will be prepared for it when the time comes". That is impossible. Do you think it is the same if you console your friend who lost his parents, from the experience that you had when your grandparents died? - It's two totally different experiences.
I believed that I was prepared for NS, after all, I had been in a regimented uniform group for 6 years of my life. I was in excellent physical condition, and I knew every single drill by heart. But when I stepped in, life took a downward spiral. Do I know? Yes. I anticipated the worst, but there are some indescribable scenarios on earth that go beyond "worst".
ii. Leadership isn't about commanding. It isn't about respect. It isn't about pummelling others to do your commands.
Leadership is about empathy. The ability to feel as what your subordinates feel. To put yourself in their shoes, and balance the equation with what is needed to be done. The greatest tragedy about SAF leadership is the inability to do so. They believe that one shoe size fits all. Which is a big mistake.
Leadership is the ability to make people laugh, make people reflect, make people change.
Leadership is the ability to make a tedious job seem like a stroll in the park.
Leadership is the ability to shape the future, without destroying the present.
.. so many people cannot understand this....
iii. Acting is everything... almost.
One of the amazing things about the army is the ability to hide the most unpleasant situations with army-deo. I learn that it doesn't matter what you do. As long as you show that you're pristine and perfect on the surface. It doesn't matter if you're a rotten egg underneath.
Piss off to those who believe that what is underneath the surface will affect the top. That is a horrid lie. There are those who are able to mask the most unpleasant personalities with disgusting ease.
for as long as they want.
do I wish to be an officer?
Yes. Knowing that I can make a difference, it gnaws at me when I see the inefficiency playing itself out.
However, dare I say that I would not become one of those puppets if I became one?
no.
I have said it many times, and I stand by my word. THERE IS NOT A SINGLE PERSON WHO CAN ENTER THE SAF AND REMAIN THE SAME.
for better, or for worse.
Do I like my life now?
HELL YEAH.
Book out daily
No guard duties
No staying in
No officers around me
No warrant officers around me
Nice little place to take care of
Friends from all walks of life
Free food
Free transport
...
I mean... it's really a dream job.
It just bugs me, when I see my friends who complain that they never had the chance to go to OCS...
do they understand what they're saying?
and it bugs me, when I could have gone there myself...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Gareth Gates - Say It Isn't So
Skies are dark it's time for rain
Final call you board the train
Heading for tomorrow
I wave goodbye to yesterdays
Wipe the tears you hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow
How can I be smiling like before
When baby, you don't love me anymore
Chorus:
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so
Ten to five atleast we tried
We're still alive but hope just died
As they close the door behind you
Whistle blows and tons of steel
Shake the ground beneath the wheels
As I wish I never found you
How can I be smiling when you're gone
Will I be strong enough to carry on
Bridge:
Miles and miles to go before I can say,
Before I can lay my love for you to sleep
Oh, darling oh
I got miles and miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear
Me laugh again
(chorus)
some memories last forever, like a never-ending sunset...
it brightens the horizon just enough to see, how beautiful the day was...
just... so beautiful...
Final call you board the train
Heading for tomorrow
I wave goodbye to yesterdays
Wipe the tears you hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow
How can I be smiling like before
When baby, you don't love me anymore
Chorus:
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so
Ten to five atleast we tried
We're still alive but hope just died
As they close the door behind you
Whistle blows and tons of steel
Shake the ground beneath the wheels
As I wish I never found you
How can I be smiling when you're gone
Will I be strong enough to carry on
Bridge:
Miles and miles to go before I can say,
Before I can lay my love for you to sleep
Oh, darling oh
I got miles and miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear
Me laugh again
(chorus)
some memories last forever, like a never-ending sunset...
it brightens the horizon just enough to see, how beautiful the day was...
just... so beautiful...
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Friends
I realize... that throughout my life, I've known so many people... made so many friends... but my life has a nasty way of isolating my past and putting it away, such that I never really have something called... friends..
friends... spanning a hundred definitions and a thousand songs... they support you, they dry you tears, they are your laughter and anguish...
I'm... I guess I've always been a loner... Not having much "friends" if you would call it....
All I ever had were people who stuck with me for a particular period of time, probably because I amused them or because I was of some use to them...
But, during that time, I truly, and genuinely regarded them as friends...
but always, in every dark, depressing situation, a friend would appear... friends that you thought lost by your own hands, appear to comfort you... to give you hope when everything else seem worthless...
they would wait till you've cried all your tears dry, and joke with you till you smile... then you would just walk away...
but always... like a shadow, not too near, but not far behind... always watching.. always waiting for the moment to relieve happy times...
Fair-weathered friends mean nothing to me, nothing but acquaintances... but a true friend is worth more then everything i have to give..
... not that I have much....
I don't even have that many that I can't count with my fingers...
.. or even one hand....
I'm a loner.... by nature... despite my penchant for verbal diarrhea... Not many people are able to converse with me the stuff I'm actually interested in...
how many people my age would happily discuss things like apocalyptic prophecies, holistic treatments and the human immune system?
they'd most likely fall asleep... my mum and dad fall asleep just hearing me talk about it...
(which is most depressing by the way)
my boyfriend gives a listening ear, but I don't even know if he understands half of what I'm talking about....
friends..
who'd be my friend?
friends... spanning a hundred definitions and a thousand songs... they support you, they dry you tears, they are your laughter and anguish...
I'm... I guess I've always been a loner... Not having much "friends" if you would call it....
All I ever had were people who stuck with me for a particular period of time, probably because I amused them or because I was of some use to them...
But, during that time, I truly, and genuinely regarded them as friends...
but always, in every dark, depressing situation, a friend would appear... friends that you thought lost by your own hands, appear to comfort you... to give you hope when everything else seem worthless...
they would wait till you've cried all your tears dry, and joke with you till you smile... then you would just walk away...
but always... like a shadow, not too near, but not far behind... always watching.. always waiting for the moment to relieve happy times...
Fair-weathered friends mean nothing to me, nothing but acquaintances... but a true friend is worth more then everything i have to give..
... not that I have much....
I don't even have that many that I can't count with my fingers...
.. or even one hand....
I'm a loner.... by nature... despite my penchant for verbal diarrhea... Not many people are able to converse with me the stuff I'm actually interested in...
how many people my age would happily discuss things like apocalyptic prophecies, holistic treatments and the human immune system?
they'd most likely fall asleep... my mum and dad fall asleep just hearing me talk about it...
(which is most depressing by the way)
my boyfriend gives a listening ear, but I don't even know if he understands half of what I'm talking about....
friends..
who'd be my friend?
Friday, June 20, 2008
Christian Bautista - Invincible
I don't have nerves of steel
I have a heart that feels
I may have cried a million
tears but I wont drown
I let myself unfold
Gave you my hand to hold
You took me beyond where
I could see
And then you let go of me. .
Chorus:
I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of me
I must be invincible
I dont have X-rays eyes
Don't have a heart so wise
How could I have known
you'd let me down
If I had known that then
my eyes were wide open
I still believe I would've risked it
There's no way i would've missed it
Chorus:
I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of me
I must be invincible
Hey yeah yeah. . . its a
blessing and a curse
Hey yeah yeah. . . But
you find out just
what you're worth.
I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of me
I must be invincible...
This song is dedicated to a person I know, who have stood like a shadow behind me all these years...
=)
I have a heart that feels
I may have cried a million
tears but I wont drown
I let myself unfold
Gave you my hand to hold
You took me beyond where
I could see
And then you let go of me. .
Chorus:
I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of me
I must be invincible
I dont have X-rays eyes
Don't have a heart so wise
How could I have known
you'd let me down
If I had known that then
my eyes were wide open
I still believe I would've risked it
There's no way i would've missed it
Chorus:
I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of me
I must be invincible
Hey yeah yeah. . . its a
blessing and a curse
Hey yeah yeah. . . But
you find out just
what you're worth.
I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of me
I must be invincible...
This song is dedicated to a person I know, who have stood like a shadow behind me all these years...
=)
Monday, June 16, 2008
In Thai, "Korpkunkup" can be used for everything. no. seriously.
And so Andrew returns to Singapore...
... with less then half the things that he wanted to buy...
but of course, that's good. Save the environment, save the trees, save the little children starving and dying of some random delibating disease....
=/
ok. I'm bitter.
Anywayz, we arrived in Singapore at NINE'0'CLOCK, 4 hours past schedule thanks to air traffic and overusage of "Korpkunkup"...
... and I lost my package of the most favorite Thai snack. (which happens to look exactly like love lettuce, with black seeds.)
so lets see..
i bought..
- 1 pair of berms for me
- 1 pair of berms for nick
- 3 pairs of tops for me
- 1 pair of top for nick
- 2 pairs of tops for alvin
- 1 pair of shoes
(note the over-usage of the word "pairs")
- 1 pair of boxers
- 1 travel bag
omg... I bought so little?
... I'm thoroughly devastated... I think I shall go sit at a corner and cry.
T_T
lol.
This was definitely not one of my "more enjoyable" Thailand trips, due to various mishaps... but ah well.... it is DEFINITELY by far one of the cheapest!..
xD
too bad no photos.
-grins-
... with less then half the things that he wanted to buy...
but of course, that's good. Save the environment, save the trees, save the little children starving and dying of some random delibating disease....
=/
ok. I'm bitter.
Anywayz, we arrived in Singapore at NINE'0'CLOCK, 4 hours past schedule thanks to air traffic and overusage of "Korpkunkup"...
... and I lost my package of the most favorite Thai snack. (which happens to look exactly like love lettuce, with black seeds.)
so lets see..
i bought..
- 1 pair of berms for me
- 1 pair of berms for nick
- 3 pairs of tops for me
- 1 pair of top for nick
- 2 pairs of tops for alvin
- 1 pair of shoes
(note the over-usage of the word "pairs")
- 1 pair of boxers
- 1 travel bag
omg... I bought so little?
... I'm thoroughly devastated... I think I shall go sit at a corner and cry.
T_T
lol.
This was definitely not one of my "more enjoyable" Thailand trips, due to various mishaps... but ah well.... it is DEFINITELY by far one of the cheapest!..
xD
too bad no photos.
-grins-
Friday, June 13, 2008
SAWADEKUUUPP FROM BANGKOK!!!
Sawadeekup from Thailand!
Korpkumkup...
Kup...
A Cup
B Cup
C Cup,
Bra Cup,
Cup corn
Cup noodles...
WEE~~ I'm blogging from the land of a thousand smiles! (no.. not the land of 2 million smiles. the land of a thousand smiles.... which would make the proportion of smiles here about..... [1000/23,000,000 = 0.0004% of the population a happy one]
oh dear..
wee... life rocks! I'm in a hotel with a bathtub!
and food here is sooooo cheap..
but i think the Thai Baht has increased in value again... so stuff are getting slightly more expensive....
Well, I didnt really bring much money (partially because I'm like super poor currently), but i think it should be enough to last me for quite some time...
The only thing i regret is that i can't try the weird and exotic food that Thailand has to offer all because Jeff (on my right and scowling currently), is too SCARED to try nice stuff...
I wonder.... I wanna buy a few stuff, but I can't really compile everything yet...
1) 2 pairs of bermudas
2) 2 pairs of jeans
3) 2 super nice T-shirts
4) 2 super nice Tank Tops
5) 2 super nice Shirts
6) Zirh stuff
7) 1 pair of good quality Adidas/Nike sports shoes
8) 1 pair of good quality aesthetic shoes (Onizuka Tiger/Adidas/etc etc.)
9) 1 pair of Oakley spectacle frames
10) [if possible] 1 set of contact lenses.
A) 1 pair of bermudas for Nicholas
B) 1 pair of adidas running shorts for Leighton
C) 1 pair of shoes for Alvin
D) 1 shirt (probably Camel Active or Timberland) for Alvin
E) 1 comfortable t-shirt for Alvin
F) one set of condo...... ms... for Alvin.... hahaha...
G) and many other stuffs for my friends
xD
I'll be back on Sunday...
Oh... BTw, I just experienced the most terrifying air turbulance on flight this morning...
Even my friend who travels twice on flight every year thinks that its the worst...
I seriously thought we were going to crash...
BUT HERE I AM!!
All intact and surviving a budget airline tumble...
xD
bye bye!
OH YAH, FOR THOSE WHO WISH TO BUY STUFF, MSG ME YOUR LIST.
I MAY NOT REPLY, BUT MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE CONFIDENT THAT THOSE STUFF ARE CHEAPER IN THAILAND THEN IN SINGAPORE.!!
I'LL TRY AND GET THEM FROM CHATUCHAK OR MBK.
IF I CAN'T GET IT, DON'T BLAME ME WOR!
ESPECIALLY THE GUY WITH THE WAIST SIZE OF 48
Korpkumkup...
Kup...
A Cup
B Cup
C Cup,
Bra Cup,
Cup corn
Cup noodles...
WEE~~ I'm blogging from the land of a thousand smiles! (no.. not the land of 2 million smiles. the land of a thousand smiles.... which would make the proportion of smiles here about..... [1000/23,000,000 = 0.0004% of the population a happy one]
oh dear..
wee... life rocks! I'm in a hotel with a bathtub!
and food here is sooooo cheap..
but i think the Thai Baht has increased in value again... so stuff are getting slightly more expensive....
Well, I didnt really bring much money (partially because I'm like super poor currently), but i think it should be enough to last me for quite some time...
The only thing i regret is that i can't try the weird and exotic food that Thailand has to offer all because Jeff (on my right and scowling currently), is too SCARED to try nice stuff...
I wonder.... I wanna buy a few stuff, but I can't really compile everything yet...
1) 2 pairs of bermudas
2) 2 pairs of jeans
3) 2 super nice T-shirts
4) 2 super nice Tank Tops
5) 2 super nice Shirts
6) Zirh stuff
7) 1 pair of good quality Adidas/Nike sports shoes
8) 1 pair of good quality aesthetic shoes (Onizuka Tiger/Adidas/etc etc.)
9) 1 pair of Oakley spectacle frames
10) [if possible] 1 set of contact lenses.
A) 1 pair of bermudas for Nicholas
B) 1 pair of adidas running shorts for Leighton
C) 1 pair of shoes for Alvin
D) 1 shirt (probably Camel Active or Timberland) for Alvin
E) 1 comfortable t-shirt for Alvin
F) one set of condo...... ms... for Alvin.... hahaha...
G) and many other stuffs for my friends
xD
I'll be back on Sunday...
Oh... BTw, I just experienced the most terrifying air turbulance on flight this morning...
Even my friend who travels twice on flight every year thinks that its the worst...
I seriously thought we were going to crash...
BUT HERE I AM!!
All intact and surviving a budget airline tumble...
xD
bye bye!
OH YAH, FOR THOSE WHO WISH TO BUY STUFF, MSG ME YOUR LIST.
I MAY NOT REPLY, BUT MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE CONFIDENT THAT THOSE STUFF ARE CHEAPER IN THAILAND THEN IN SINGAPORE.!!
I'LL TRY AND GET THEM FROM CHATUCHAK OR MBK.
IF I CAN'T GET IT, DON'T BLAME ME WOR!
ESPECIALLY THE GUY WITH THE WAIST SIZE OF 48
Monday, May 26, 2008
love ya dear... *hugs*
How can i tell you what I'm feeling
so you'll always remember
what can i do to take this moment
and make it last forever
i know it's been said
many times many ways
but it's never come from a deeper place,
Chorus:
for every minute of this life that i am breathing
until there's nothing in this world i can believe in
as long as there's a single part of you that needs me
i know i am gonna love you completely
what did i do to get this angel
lying here beside me
where did you find all these emotions
i felt deep down inside me
i only know
that this world will change
but your hold on my heart will stay the same
Chorus:
for every minute of this life that i am breathing
until there's nothing in this world i can believe in
as long as there's a single part of you that needs me
i know i am gonna love you completely
Bridge:
i have no doubt at all
no fear of falling down
complete me
be with me
believe me
you will always know
(Chorus)
D/C, Final Chorus:
Until there's nothing in this world i can believe in
as long as there's a single part if you that needs me
i know i am gonna love you
i know i am gonna love you
completely
Complete (2005)
- Christian Bautista
cos where you are, is where i wanna be...
cos everything you do, reminds me how much i love you...
the way you pray that our love won't die,
every night before you close your eyes...
its true, i believe that there are some things that fate binds together,
when two hearts, joint, can never ever be broken apart again..
I Love You *hugs*
so you'll always remember
what can i do to take this moment
and make it last forever
i know it's been said
many times many ways
but it's never come from a deeper place,
Chorus:
for every minute of this life that i am breathing
until there's nothing in this world i can believe in
as long as there's a single part of you that needs me
i know i am gonna love you completely
what did i do to get this angel
lying here beside me
where did you find all these emotions
i felt deep down inside me
i only know
that this world will change
but your hold on my heart will stay the same
Chorus:
for every minute of this life that i am breathing
until there's nothing in this world i can believe in
as long as there's a single part of you that needs me
i know i am gonna love you completely
Bridge:
i have no doubt at all
no fear of falling down
complete me
be with me
believe me
you will always know
(Chorus)
D/C, Final Chorus:
Until there's nothing in this world i can believe in
as long as there's a single part if you that needs me
i know i am gonna love you
i know i am gonna love you
completely
Complete (2005)
- Christian Bautista
cos where you are, is where i wanna be...
cos everything you do, reminds me how much i love you...
the way you pray that our love won't die,
every night before you close your eyes...
its true, i believe that there are some things that fate binds together,
when two hearts, joint, can never ever be broken apart again..
I Love You *hugs*
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